It looks like winter won't be leaving Long Island without a fight this year as weather services warn of an impending blizzard to hit the area over the next few days. The University has begun preparations for the snow storm as it has asked all non-essential personnel to stay home during the expected snowfall. But as for those remaining on campus, its time to bundle up and settle down like our beloved Wolfie is doing in order to wait out the storm. Wolfie has shown the campus the true spirit of preparedness as demonstrated by his impressive cache of fresh meat to fill his carnivorous appetite during what may be an unexpected prolonged hibernation. Though the full might of the storm has yet to hit campus, it has already seemed to have claimed its first few victims as several students were reported missing.
When asked about the missing students, Wolfie stated, "It is a terrible shame that such young, tender- *burp*- and well-seasoned souls would be consumed by the storm so early. We can only hope that they found their way back to their homes safely."
When Stony Brook Residential Safety Program (RSP) members were called to help an inebriated group of students back to their dorm last night, they did not expect one of the students to show such creative charm and humor in his intoxicated stupor.
Unaware that it was 3:00 AM, one of the students said she was hungry and asked if the Jasmine food court at the Wang Center was open, only to have the RSP escort remind the group of the time and that Jasmine was closed.
It was at this moment that one charming individual among the group stated, "Don't worry babe, MY Wang Center is always open!"
The masculine confidence that radiated from our drunken hero reached levels never seen before in campus history and it was greeted with high-fives that broke the sound barrier from other bros in the group.
President Stanley himself was awoken as the sonic boom from preceding fist bumps shattered the windows of his pimped-out Seawolf's Den Mansion, only for our Dank President to stick his head out of the broken glass and shout "DAMN STRAIGHT SON!" in a show of approval.
Student Activity Fee? Or Secret USG Danktivity Money Stash? USG Executives Exposed In Panama Paper Leak
In a seizure-inducing flood of information our team of investigative journalists here at the Stony Brook Enquirer have uncovered a dark paper trail involving the current and previous USG administration, going up all the way to President Stanley and Wolfie himself.
After years of being promised amazing events and services, the sinister truth behind the rising student activity fees has been revealed. Going as far back to former President/Fuhrer Lachhar, he and his crooked Minister of Propaganda Mario Ferone have been misleading the student body into giving more money, only to be stashed into an secret offshore account in Panama.
The first red flags were revealed in 2014 when during the notorious USG twitter incident where it seemed as though the USG twitter account was taken over by a hacker under the alias of "4Chan". It was only until the Panama Paper leak that we learned the truth:
The USG twitter account was actually sold to the highest bidder, offering various USG executives outrageous bribes ranging from chicken strips from the Union dining hall, to sexual favors from Wolfie. Recently leaked information has revealed that the millions of funds taken from students have been wasted on things ranging from gold-plated golf carts, blackjack table, hookers, and illegal dank meme research at the expense of unaware students.
After attempting to reach the former Fuhrer and VP of communications for comment, it was revealed that they were nowhere to be found, with the current USG administration claiming they have "Graduated", while other sources claim the disgraced officials have fled to a country without an extradition treaty with the United States.
With New York major party primary elections taking place this Tuesday, April 19, The Stony Brook Enquirer is proud to give our support to the only candidate that matters: Donald Trump. Showing charismatic leadership, billionaire Donald Trump has won the hearts and minds of students and faculty alike, promising to bring security and good food back to campus. Trump's statements on international students struck a chord with people across the political spectrum, winning conservatives over, while shunning away liberals:
"When China sends its students, they're not sending Stony Brook their best. They're bringing rice, their pre-meds and math majors. And some, I assume are liberal arts majors, but I speak for admissions officers and they tell us what we're getting."
Inspired by God-Emperor Trump's great speech, University President Stanley was inspired and currently has plans for a wall to divide Roosevelt Quad from the rest of the campus, to increase security and reduce the amount of drugs and crime entering campus grounds. Critics of President Stanley's Trump-endorsed wall cite that such construction would be "racist" and that the enormous cost and impracticality of a wall would not benefit the students. President Stanley replied that the wall would make Stony Brook great again and would not come at a cost to students as "Roosevelt Quad will pay for the wall."
After 8 shots of Jameson and half a bottle of Bailey's Irish cream, a group of students were full of the holiday spirit and rediscovered their Irish heritage by signing up for a free trial of Ancestry.com. Students tracing back their lineage realized that their names sound unmistakably Irish or Gaelic with only minor changes to the spelling. New-found Irish students Priya McPatel, and Xi-Fong O'Chang embraced their long-lost culture by taking part in the sacred tradition of wearing green and buying the cheapest shots of whiskey at the bar at 9 AM. Other recently aware Irish students such as Mordecai O'Goldbergowitzsky and Juan McRodriguez spread their Irish spirit around campus by dying the Roth Pond green, by first drinking the green dye in beer, then vomiting into the water after 6 pints and a jager bomb.
Recently, a brave group of students dared to challenge the changing environment on campus that has grown increasingly hostile to students who smoke.
As of January 2016, University Administration took a page right out of the book of infamous anti-smoker, Adolf Hitler, and instituted a fascist campus-wide ban on America's beloved pastime. The decrees of the Non-Fuming Fuhrer did not target just cigarettes, but all tobacco products, electronic cigarettes, huffable spray paint, crystal meth, cocaine, crack cocaine, uncracked cocaine, diet cocaine, ecstasy, molly, marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, chief keef, PCP, angel dust, purple drank, and slim jims.
The courageous leader of the "Solidarity Smokers" released a manifesto detailing their plan:
"Whether or not you are a smoker, you probably agree that President Stanley has gone too far in imposing a campus-wide ban, not only on cigarettes, but ALL tobacco products, even electronic cigarettes (effective January 2016). While I understand the reasons behind this new "smoke-free policy," I can't respect a President who feels the need to impose a lifestyle on everyone, especially those students living on campus who are habitual smokers and have literally nowhere on campus to enjoy their tobacco products of choice in peace. I respect the decision to not smoke, but not when it's a decision made for me. Frankly, it's un-American."
(see the full statement here: http://heyevent.com/event/qfzrnypywoeqoa/safe-space-formerly-solidarity-smoke-in)
The tyrannical rule of President Stanley and his thugs in USG will be resisted at all costs by these brave rebels, and we will continue to be the voice of reason at this institution. #Trump2016
It was scenes of utter chaos at the dining halls today as students were met with an increase in food prices from what was already an absurdly high set of prices. Chicken strips from the Union Dining Hall went up from $95.00 a piece to an absurd $500.00 and a severed limb, the latter of which many students believe will be the new source of food and currency in the upcoming snow storm.
Economics professors on campus only provided more bad news as they expected the price of food only to rise even more, and that a burger from the SAC dining hall may cost as much as a firstborn child and 3 handjobs by next Tuesday.
To fully clarify the horrifying reality of the situation, a noticeably more obese President Stanley and Wolfie made this announcement: "Students should do their best to prepare for the inclement weather. Wear warm clothing and amass as much blubber as you can, as those who cannot find shelter to hibernate during this storm will be unworthy to inherit the new Earth after the great thaw."
7:00 PM Mendelsohn Quad
A fire broke out in a student residence hall Saturday evening and the cause is currently under investigation by the local police and fire department. This blaze was unusual however, in that this was the second fire this semester that went unannounced in any emergency broadcast or email, with the first fire occurring in the chemistry building.
Several witnesses have reported to have seen a seawolf in heavy makeup at the scene of the fire shortly before part of the building was ablaze, which prompted the University Police to take Wolfie into custody.
In response to his arrest, Wolfie accused the police officers of racial profiling as it could have been any other seawolf on campus at the scene, and that other non-seawolves were most likely there as well.
Detectives gave a preliminary report that they suspect Wolfie may have taken out an insurance policy earlier on the residence hall and chemistry building prior, only to commit arson and collect a cash payout from the insurers. Before he was taken away in the police cruiser, Wolfie denied these claims stating, "It's not about money, it's about sending a message: everything burns!"
A student was caught and arrested this weekend by University Police in the act of vandalizing a men's restroom. What disgusted the Campus Police officers most was not the vulgar language and images smeared on the walls, nor was it the the copious amounts of human excrement used by the vandal to carry out his crimes, but rather it was the heretical display of plagiarism and improper citation by the bathroom bandit that made the officers cringe with disgust. The University Art Department was asked for their expertise in the matter as investigators believed the crude drawing or a penis on the wall was not original, but a blatant copy of the work of a previous unrelated vandal in a different bathroom.
As for the charge of improper citation, various professors and librarians were able to confirm after hours of research that there was no such researcher published in academic journals named "Deez Nuts".
President Stanley commented on the matter to remind the students that Stony Brook University is super serious when it comes to academic dishonesty, and plagiarism will not be tolerated.
After enduring a hate-filled campus environment for years, our beloved mascot, Wolfie the ACTUAL Seawolf has had enough. As recently as the last football game Wolfie fell victim to blatant cultural appropriation as students repeatedly chanted, “What’s a Seawolf?” only to reply, “I’m A Seawolf” though the stadium was almost entirely seated by human fans. Things only became worse as the game progressed as the insensitive audience lost all sense of civility and began shouting racial slurs. When asked, “Seawolves, what is your profession?” the reply was only mocking Wolfie’s native language with “AWOO AWOO AWOO”, which Wolfie claimed was nothing but absolute gibberish making no sense in his native tongue.
Formally filing a complaint against Stony Brook University Administration, Wolfie has detailed the ongoing insensitivity and micro-aggressions he sees being promoted throughout the student body, not only by students, but shockingly by professors and athletic staff as well, who are all disturbingly comfortable wearing clothing which Wolfie claims depicts racist caricatures him and other Seawolves.
An amateur mistake was made by university officials when they believed internet users could be decent people that do not send dick pics. In an attempt to connect to the young generation of students, our beloved Wolfie, with the blessings of President Stanley created a Snapchat account in July of 2014. Almost immediately after it was made, the flood came. This was not natural disaster, but a man-made catastrophe. This was a flood of penises. Thousands upon thousands of images and videos of dicks shattered the innocence of Wolfie within hours of his account's creation.
With all the mental strength he could muster, Wolfie realized his mistake of underestimating the internet and came to the understanding that dicks on the internet are a sad but expected part of the task he chose to undertake.
It has been almost a year since the account's creation now, but enough is enough. unable to continue any longer against the freakish forces of phallic foot-longs, university administration has decided to officially shut down the Snapchat account, and end Wolfie's torment
Final exams are upon us but don't panic! We all get jitters and become nervous when it comes to big tests, but its only natural. After listening to the experiences of other students, stress is now a thing of the past! All you have to do is-
OH WHO THE FUCK ARE WE KIDDING? PANIC. AKJLFHG;LSDFJSLKF EVERYONE PANIC. WE'RE ALL GOING TO FAIL AND DIE. WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO KNOW WHAT LITHIUM DOES IN ORGANIC CHEMISTRY? LITHIUM IS A FUCKING METAL. ITS NOT FUCKING ORGANIC. I'M GOING TO GET A 'D-' AT BEST EVEN WITH THIS STUPID CURVE AND END UP WORKING AT A CHUCK E. CHEESE'S CATERING TO SOME BRATTY LITTLE SHITS AND THEIR STUPID PARENTS WHO FOR SOME REASON CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A CHILDREN'S PARTY CENTER, THERE ARE NO GIANT CAKES WITH STRIPPERS IN THEM.
OH AND SPEAKING OF CHEAP SKANKY WHORES, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND TO CONSOLE ME AND HELP ME STUDY? OH I KNOW, HE'S PROBABLY WITH THAT OTHER CHEAP SKANKY WHORE STACY THAT HE MET AT LAST WEEKS PARTY FOR ONLY 3 FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE SHE RAN OFF DRUNK TO SLEEP WITH EVERY FUCKING FRAT BOY THERE. ALKSFGLKDF WHAT DID I SEE IN HIM? I MAY NOT PASS THIS EXAM, BUT I WILL PASS HIS HOUSE AND PASS THE MOST VIOLENT SHIT IN THE WORLD ON HIS EVEN SHITTIER CAR. AJKLFGL;SDFJBSLK FUCK THIS CLASS.
In what can only be described as a brutal death march not seen since the days of Imperial Japan in World War II, hundreds if not thousands of students were lined up around the Student Activity Center under the belief that they would receive delicious strawberries in a timely and orderly manner.
Underestimating the sheer volume and determination of students, Campus Dining was forced to abandon their stations upon the exhaustion of supplies and workers before notifying those remaining in line.
What was once a proud student community center, the SAC is nothing more than a morbid shadow of its former self, surrounded by the bones and dying bodies of the students still waiting, who foolishly clung to the idea of hope and strawberries
Celebrating cultural diversity in Stony Brook, students across campus suddenly realized their Mexican heritage just in time for Cinco De Mayo. In an act of humility and reverence for Mexican culture, students across campus gave up drinking the usual vodka and bud light for the day, and humbly chose to consume Tequila and Corona in honor of the Latin American holiday.
Interviewing Mexican students on campus such as Jin-Woo Lee and David Goldbergstein, both claimed to be very proud of their Mexican heritage as they continued to down shots of traditional Mexican spirits.
A few hours before the start of the 2015 Roth Pond Regatta, several boats were attacked and hijacked by what could only be Somali Pirates. Arriving in unmarked ships made from the finest cardboard from the UPS Store, it became clear the pirates were backed by someone with very good connections. Taking up to 5 students hostage, the pirates demanded chicken strips from the Student Union equal to the weight of those held captive.
University Officials panicked as with campus food prices, not even Bill Gates had enough wealth to meet their demands.
The situation only grew worse as University Administration went directly to President Stanley for guidance, only to find his office was filled with crates of USG T-shirts and illegally downloaded copies of Nicolas Cage films.
Now under the alias of 'Captain Crackbeard', people were shocked to discover it was the former-president, now Pirate-King, was the one who was pulling the strings behind the wave of piracy.
Before leaving on his cardboard and duct-tape flagship, Captain Crackbeard was asked why he resorted to piracy. His only response was to a hostage saying, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Seawolf now."
Guest speaker and famed astrophysicist, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson received a ticket today as he attempted to park his ship of the imagination in the university's South P-Lot on his way to his lecture later today.
Campus police officers released an official statement citing that Dr. Tyson's vehicle had no visible tail lights and both the front and rear license plates were missing. During the citation Dr. Tyson raised his hands in the air and procalimed, "Don't Shoot!" as an added measure to ensure his own safety during the event.
The fine amounted to $250.00 or the purchase of 2 orders of chicken tenders from the Union Food Court, payable to the FSA.
In celebration of our planet and environment, Stony Brook Environmental Health and Safety is proud to announce that the amount of radiation leaking from the university power plant is at its lowest levels in 5 years.
In an act of creative originality, a student suggested that Stony Brook University offer a major in "Weed Studies" and "Dank Memes".No one could have possibly predicted this stroke of genius to occur on April 20th of all days in the year.
Seeing the merit of such education, President Samuel L. Stanley was quick to approve such program stating, "My middle name is 'L' for a good fucking reason."
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"