After looking at the stars, head Shaman/President Stanley determined that the gods are punishing us with unending winter. To appease the spirits, Chief Stanley told reporters that "Students must bleed. All praise Lord Xenu."
On this President's Day, we take the time to admire Presidents of this country and university past and present and the values they stood for. Let us not forget how President Stanley and George Washington both fought valiantly for reasonably priced mattresses and car sales with minimum down-payment so that we may defeat the communist enemies of America.
Its Black History Month and amid allegations of racism, USG officials prove their tolerance by showing that many of their best friends are black.
As campus is blanketed by a layer of pure immaculate white snow, the internet becomes flooded with amateur photographs of snow-covered objects. Countless people have been reported to have their facebook pages buried alive in a massive heap of shitty photos. We can only pray that they dig themselves out to reconnect with the real internet.
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"