We are pleased to announce with millions of turkeys slaughtered this year, we will finally have enough animal blood to complete this year's Black Friday ritual to appease the big retail CEOs and guarantee low prices for all our heathen, gentile subscribers this holiday season. Happy shopping!
Show your school spirit and cheer* for the Seawolves this Saturday at the homecoming game!
*Those who fail to show the appropriate amount of school spirit will be arrested by the University Fun Police and be personally paddled by Wolfie until they can feel the magic of Stony Brook.
School spirit is MANDATORY
Election results for USG are in and most candidates ran unopposed, winning 100% of the ballot. Though students and other campus news outlets questioned the legitimacy of the democratic process, The Stony Brook Enquirer concluded that the candidates were humbled by the results, as it must have been a spiritual experience as the VP of Communications stated, "To question USG is to question god."
We here at the Enquirer happily accept our new loving overlords.
'Twas the week before Christmas, and all throughout campus,
a creature was stirring: the demon named Krampus.
Oh and his friend Black Pete, but beware of his race,
for he's actually white, but disguised in blackface!
Sun disappears from the sky and panic spreads throughout campus. Astronomy professors plead for their lives, claiming the sun will rise again in about 15 hours as an angry mob of students prepare to sacrifice them to the gods. USG consults local witch doctors for answers.
UPDATE: The Stony Brook Enquirer is proud to report the return of the beloved sun, and would like to take the time to remember the astronomy professors who selflessly gave their lives to bring it back.
With forecasts stating a prolonged period of temperatures in the 90s, students are demanding that USG stop offering music majors as sacrifices to the Sun God, claiming they have more than enough sunshine.
When asked for a comment the VP of communications only stated "KALI MA SHAKTI DE!" (seen here)
Concerned students have lined up at the Quad office demanding to see their dorm records only to be told that the office doesn't retain records for over 2 months only citing that, "Satan demands tribute".
USG allocates funds for pork barrel spending on actual barrels of pork. Jewish and muslim students outraged.
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"