Today's weather forecast calls for clear, sunny skies with a high of about 70 degrees in the afternoon. Rainbows and unicorns will appear around 2:30 PM while Tupac releases his new album, all while Kate Upton agrees to go out with me.
In only what can be described as a scene from Cast Away, students trying to get to the second floor of the SAC had to wait "literally forever" for the elevator to arrive. Witnesses to the stranded victims give estimates ranging from 45 seconds to an unheard of 2 minutes until the doors finally opened to the group of waiting refugees. At least one student had psychologically broken down and attempted to use the stairs, while others were only to be restrained by friends clinging on to the hope that the elevator will be there at any moment. The building manager was unavailable for comment on the matter.
As the snow on campus begins to melt, a vast amount of sand and salt is revealed to cover the university, bringing to light what we have all feared: Fat cat President Stanley is using global warming and is shipping in sand to flood Stony Brook to create ocean beach front property to sell to real estate brokers at record profits.
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"