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The stony brook enquirer!
kneel before zod

"Rosa Parks" of Smoking Fights Back! #BlackLungsMatter

2/12/2016

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Recently, a brave group of students dared to challenge the changing environment on campus that has grown increasingly hostile to students who smoke.
As of January 2016, University Administration took a page right out of the book of infamous anti-smoker, Adolf Hitler, and instituted a fascist campus-wide ban on America's beloved pastime. The decrees of the Non-Fuming Fuhrer did not target just cigarettes, but all tobacco products, electronic cigarettes, huffable spray paint, crystal meth, cocaine, crack cocaine, uncracked cocaine, diet cocaine, ecstasy, molly, marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, chief keef, PCP, angel dust, purple drank, and slim jims.

The courageous leader of the "Solidarity Smokers" released a manifesto detailing their plan: 

"Whether or not you are a smoker, you probably agree that President Stanley has gone too far in imposing a campus-wide ban, not only on cigarettes, but ALL tobacco products, even electronic cigarettes (effective January 2016). While I understand the reasons behind this new "smoke-free policy," I can't respect a President who feels the need to impose a lifestyle on everyone, especially those students living on campus who are habitual smokers and have literally nowhere on campus to enjoy their tobacco products of choice in peace. I respect the decision to not smoke, but not when it's a decision made for me. Frankly, it's un-American."

(see the full statement here: http://heyevent.com/event/qfzrnypywoeqoa/safe-space-formerly-solidarity-smoke-in)

The tyrannical rule of President Stanley and his thugs in USG will be resisted at all costs by these brave rebels, and we will continue to be the voice of reason at this institution. #Trump2016
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What's A Seawolf? Don’t Answer That, You Cisgendered Hetero White Scum

9/28/2015

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​After enduring a hate-filled campus environment for years, our beloved mascot, Wolfie the ACTUAL Seawolf has had enough. As recently as the last football game Wolfie fell victim to blatant cultural appropriation as students repeatedly chanted, “What’s a Seawolf?” only to reply, “I’m A Seawolf” though the stadium was almost entirely seated by human fans. Things only became worse as the game progressed as the insensitive audience lost all sense of civility and began shouting racial slurs. When asked, “Seawolves, what is your profession?” the reply was only mocking Wolfie’s native language with “AWOO AWOO AWOO”, which Wolfie claimed was nothing but absolute gibberish making no sense in his native tongue. 

Formally filing a complaint against Stony Brook University Administration, Wolfie has detailed the ongoing insensitivity and micro-aggressions he sees being promoted throughout the student body, not only by students, but shockingly by professors and athletic staff as well, who are all disturbingly comfortable wearing clothing which Wolfie claims depicts racist caricatures him and other Seawolves.

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Students Still Waiting In Line For Strawberry Fest

5/7/2015

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In what can only be described as a brutal death march not seen since the days of Imperial Japan in World War II, hundreds if not thousands of students were lined up around the Student Activity Center under the belief that they would receive delicious strawberries in a timely and orderly manner.
Underestimating the sheer volume and determination of students, Campus Dining was forced to abandon their stations upon the exhaustion of supplies and workers before notifying those remaining in line.
What was once a proud student community center, the SAC is nothing more than a morbid shadow of its former self, surrounded by the bones and dying bodies of the students still waiting, who foolishly clung to the idea of hope and strawberries

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Student Makes Reference to Marijuana

4/20/2015

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In an act of creative originality, a student suggested that Stony Brook University offer a major in "Weed Studies" and "Dank Memes".No one could have possibly predicted this stroke of genius to occur on April 20th of all days in the year.
Seeing the merit of such education, President Samuel L. Stanley was quick to approve such program stating, "My middle name is 'L' for a good fucking reason."

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Student Asks Professor If Final Grade Will Be Curved

12/17/2014

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A student whose grades are totally fine asked his Organic Chemistry Professor if the final grades will be curved because he's concerned about the other students in the class, not that it would matter to him personally, but he totally wouldn't mind if a 35% on the test could be a "C".
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Stony Brook Experiencing Technical Difficulties

12/8/2014

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In what can only be seen as a finals week blunder, Stony Brook University failed to start this morning due to unknown technical issues. After calling tech support and repeatedly pressing Ctrl + Alt + Del, President Stanley asks that all students return to their dorms and go to sleep and wake up again hoping to restart the school and fix the problem.
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Homecoming! WHATS A SEAWOLF?

9/26/2014

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Show your school spirit and cheer* for the Seawolves this Saturday at the homecoming game!

*Those who fail to show the appropriate amount of school spirit will be arrested by the University Fun Police and be personally paddled by Wolfie until they can feel the magic of Stony Brook. 
School spirit is MANDATORY

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A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys

9/8/2014

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We at the Stony Brook Enquirer are here to ask you a question: Is a student not entitled to a fairly priced piece of fruit? 
"No!" says the man in at the dining hall, "That banana costs $1.03."
"No!" says the man in the FSA office, "The meal plans save money."
"No!" says President Stanley, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!." 
I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... to buy groceries at Pathmark. A store where the student would not fear the pasta; where the wallet would not be bound by impending emptiness; where the stomach would not be constrained by the budget! And with the free weekend bus, Pathmark can become your store as well.
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Senior BBQ

5/19/2014

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Earlier this week a chemical explosion in the ESS laboratories was quickly contained and resulted in an unknown number of casualties.
IN OTHER NEWS: USG has been given a sudden gift of a large amount of fresh undisclosed meat, and will be handing it out for FREE at the Roosevelt Pit this Wednesday as a student BBQ!
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FAMINE SPREADS ACROSS STONY BROOK

5/13/2014

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As the semester draws to a close, the amount of meal points in students' accounts dwindle or are already depleted. Desperate students turn to the monstrous geese on campus in a dangerous attempt for a meal. University officials quickly attempted to cover up the food shortage by claiming the introduction of a "humane goose control program".
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PRAISE USG!

4/23/2014

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The Stony Brook Enquirer would like to tell the public that while you lowly peasants are stuck in the cheap seats for tonight's concert, the totally legitimate reporters will be enjoying the concert in the VIP section with hookers and blackjack, courtesy of USG.
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M'Government

4/23/2014

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Its the day of the concert and students still don't know who the performers are.
USG plans to hand out free fedoras to all who attend.
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Salvation Requires A Student I.D.

4/18/2014

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It was a scene of religious pilgrimage today as hundreds of students made a nightlong journey in the cold darkness all the way to the shrine known as the Union Ticket booth. The cold masses chanted the names of their gods: Chyld-ish and Dippe-Loh, who anthropology professors have concluded must be the ancient gods of youth and duality respectively. All this was done for a chance to receive a small sheet of paper with ancient runes on it, in hopes that the magic charm would grant them entry into paradise one day.
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Students Wait for SAC Elevator "Literally Forever"

3/11/2014

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In only what can be described as a scene from Cast Away, students trying to get to the second floor of the SAC had to wait "literally forever" for the elevator to arrive. Witnesses to the stranded victims give estimates ranging from 45 seconds to an unheard of 2 minutes until the doors finally opened to the group of waiting refugees. At least one student had psychologically broken down and attempted to use the stairs, while others were only to be restrained by friends clinging on to the hope that the elevator will be there at any moment. The building manager was unavailable for comment on the matter.
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BLOOD DRIVE TODAY AT THE SAC

2/18/2014

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After looking at the stars, head Shaman/President Stanley determined that the gods are punishing us with unending winter. To appease the spirits, Chief Stanley told reporters that "Students must bleed. All praise Lord Xenu."
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Why Look Out The Window When You Can Have A Shittier Filter?

2/3/2014

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As campus is blanketed by a layer of pure immaculate white snow, the internet becomes flooded with amateur photographs of snow-covered objects. Countless people have been reported to have their facebook pages buried alive in a massive heap of shitty photos. We can only pray that they dig themselves out to reconnect with the real internet.
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Things Will Totally Be Different This Time!

1/27/2014

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As the new semester starts, the number of students who vowed to "totally study and not slack off" this semester is at an all time high.
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THE HATE CRIME BEFORE CHRISTMAS

12/19/2013

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'Twas the week before Christmas, and all throughout campus,
a creature was stirring: the demon named Krampus.

Oh and his friend Black Pete, but beware of his race,
for he's actually white, but disguised in blackface!

Read More
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I Always Donate Blood! Just Never My Own.

11/18/2013

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Terror grips Stony Brook as a truck behind the SAC was found to contain the blood and bodily fluids of countless students. The sickening level of organization in the vehicle has brought our panel of experts to conclude that this could only be the work of a deranged serial killer with a vampire fetish.
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Tell All Your Friends!

11/9/2013

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Due to poor USG oversight, hundreds of students missed the Taking Back Sunday concert this friday, thinking it was on Sunday as the band's name suggested. Due to the darkness of the concert hall, the band was unaware that they were playing in a virtually empty theater.
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