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The stony brook enquirer!
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"Rosa Parks" of Smoking Fights Back! #BlackLungsMatter

2/12/2016

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Recently, a brave group of students dared to challenge the changing environment on campus that has grown increasingly hostile to students who smoke.
As of January 2016, University Administration took a page right out of the book of infamous anti-smoker, Adolf Hitler, and instituted a fascist campus-wide ban on America's beloved pastime. The decrees of the Non-Fuming Fuhrer did not target just cigarettes, but all tobacco products, electronic cigarettes, huffable spray paint, crystal meth, cocaine, crack cocaine, uncracked cocaine, diet cocaine, ecstasy, molly, marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, chief keef, PCP, angel dust, purple drank, and slim jims.

The courageous leader of the "Solidarity Smokers" released a manifesto detailing their plan: 

"Whether or not you are a smoker, you probably agree that President Stanley has gone too far in imposing a campus-wide ban, not only on cigarettes, but ALL tobacco products, even electronic cigarettes (effective January 2016). While I understand the reasons behind this new "smoke-free policy," I can't respect a President who feels the need to impose a lifestyle on everyone, especially those students living on campus who are habitual smokers and have literally nowhere on campus to enjoy their tobacco products of choice in peace. I respect the decision to not smoke, but not when it's a decision made for me. Frankly, it's un-American."

(see the full statement here: http://heyevent.com/event/qfzrnypywoeqoa/safe-space-formerly-solidarity-smoke-in)

The tyrannical rule of President Stanley and his thugs in USG will be resisted at all costs by these brave rebels, and we will continue to be the voice of reason at this institution. #Trump2016
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Roth Regatta Boats Seized By Somali Pirates

5/1/2015

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A few hours before the start of the 2015 Roth Pond Regatta, several boats were attacked and hijacked by what could only be Somali Pirates. Arriving in unmarked ships made from the finest cardboard from the UPS Store, it became clear the pirates were backed by someone with very good connections. Taking up to 5 students hostage, the pirates demanded chicken strips from the Student Union equal to the weight of those held captive.
University Officials panicked as with campus food prices, not even Bill Gates had enough wealth to meet their demands.
The situation only grew worse as University Administration went directly to President Stanley for guidance, only to find his office was filled with crates of USG T-shirts and illegally downloaded copies of Nicolas Cage films.
Now under the alias of 'Captain Crackbeard', people were shocked to discover it was the former-president, now Pirate-King, was the one who was pulling the strings behind the wave of piracy.
Before leaving on his cardboard and duct-tape flagship, Captain Crackbeard was asked why he resorted to piracy. His only response was to a hostage saying, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Seawolf now." 
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Roth Regatta 2015

2/25/2015

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Potheads Rejoice! As USG announces this year's Roth Regatta theme is the fantasy and magic of Harry Potter.

And for those of you new and/or unfamiliar with the magical franchise, Snape kills Dumbledore.

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USG Abandons Stony Brook

10/17/2014

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High-ranking members of USG leave campus for the SUNY Student Assembly in Henrietta New York. Stony Brook University is now without a functioning government. When asked how this sudden power vacuum will be dealt with, Wolfie had this to say:

"We take SBU from the corrupt! The USG! The oppressors of generations who have kept you down with myths of concerts and free t-shirts and we give it back to you... the students. The campus is yours. None shall interfere. Do as you please!"

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ANARCHY HITS STONY BROOK

10/8/2014

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With the extremely limited space for this month's ICONA POP concert,USG at Stony Brook University turns into Willy Fucking Wonka and will hand out half the tickets* at this Saturday's football game, with the other half being obtainable only by some unknown internet shenanigans on the USG website, which totally does not host amish-themed porn.


EDIT: due to poor communication by both parties, it seemed highly suggestive that tickets would be free and handed out. It is now clear that this is no longer the case and that tickets can only be reserved and cost $5.00.
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Senior BBQ

5/19/2014

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Earlier this week a chemical explosion in the ESS laboratories was quickly contained and resulted in an unknown number of casualties.
IN OTHER NEWS: USG has been given a sudden gift of a large amount of fresh undisclosed meat, and will be handing it out for FREE at the Roosevelt Pit this Wednesday as a student BBQ!
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Stony Brook Under Martial Law

5/9/2014

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In response to growing rumors of dissent among the student body, President Stanley was quick to enact martial law and deploy soldiers and armored vehicles to the SAC in what he described as a plan to "Crush the rebel scum that lurks in USG." 
Students voiced their concern as President Stanley may have gone too far when he authorized the use of informational pamphlets and what appears to be a miniature bouncy castle outside the building.
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USG Boat Sunk. All Go Down With Ship

5/3/2014

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In the aftermath of the 2014 Roth Regatta, The Stony Brook Enquirer is sad to report that the USG boat sank and with all hands lost. We will be reminded of this tragic loss next semester as we see USG positions filled with new members to replace those who went down with the ship.
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PRAISE USG!

4/23/2014

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The Stony Brook Enquirer would like to tell the public that while you lowly peasants are stuck in the cheap seats for tonight's concert, the totally legitimate reporters will be enjoying the concert in the VIP section with hookers and blackjack, courtesy of USG.
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M'Government

4/23/2014

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Its the day of the concert and students still don't know who the performers are.
USG plans to hand out free fedoras to all who attend.
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Salvation Requires A Student I.D.

4/18/2014

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It was a scene of religious pilgrimage today as hundreds of students made a nightlong journey in the cold darkness all the way to the shrine known as the Union Ticket booth. The cold masses chanted the names of their gods: Chyld-ish and Dippe-Loh, who anthropology professors have concluded must be the ancient gods of youth and duality respectively. All this was done for a chance to receive a small sheet of paper with ancient runes on it, in hopes that the magic charm would grant them entry into paradise one day.
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Democracy Wins Again!

4/14/2014

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Election results for USG are in and most candidates ran unopposed, winning 100% of the ballot. Though students and other campus news outlets questioned the legitimacy of the democratic process, The Stony Brook Enquirer concluded that the candidates were humbled by the results, as it must have been a spiritual experience as the VP of Communications stated, "To question USG is to question god." 
We here at the Enquirer happily accept our new loving overlords.
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They're Just Not Around...

2/7/2014

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Its Black History Month and amid allegations of racism, USG officials prove their tolerance by showing that many of their best friends are black.
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Guest Lecturer's Revealed!

12/2/2013

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The Stony Brook Enquirer brings our valued readers the inside scoop on upcoming events! 
Using our sophisticated image analysis techniques, our team of experts have cracked the code on USG at Stony Brook University's announcement. We can say with complete confidence that upcoming lecturers will be Jim Carrey and Susan Boyle!
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Tell All Your Friends!

11/9/2013

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Due to poor USG oversight, hundreds of students missed the Taking Back Sunday concert this friday, thinking it was on Sunday as the band's name suggested. Due to the darkness of the concert hall, the band was unaware that they were playing in a virtually empty theater.
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A Newspaper Deal You Can't Refuse

9/30/2013

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Tensions rise between USG and The Stony Brook Press as the newspaper's budget is frozen. Senators have been reported to have been waking up next to severed horse heads, confirming our suspicions that bestiality and necrophilia runs rampant throughout USG
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Eat, Pray, Love the Taste of Interns

9/28/2013

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With hordes of students storming FSA and Campus dining demanding food, USG appeases the mob by throwing one of their own to the barbarian peasants.
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The Penis Mighter

9/26/2013

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In it's latest issue, The Stony Brook Press verbally sodomized USG in not one, but two articles, even going as far as to depict the USG mascot naked and powerless on the ground with smaller than average genitalia as the back cover. A re-enactment of the editorial assault can be seen below:
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He Did It For The Lulz

9/26/2013

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Despite ongoing rumors on the upcoming USG comedy show, we are still totally clueless on who the performer is. Our panel of experts have an 85% certainty that it will be Glenn Beck.
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Sexual Harassment Is Not Funny

9/24/2013

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USG members have been attending sexual harassment lectures with the VP of Student Outreach stating, "People should know that women deserve respect, bitches love respect!".
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