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Roth Regatta Boats Seized By Somali Pirates

5/1/2015

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A few hours before the start of the 2015 Roth Pond Regatta, several boats were attacked and hijacked by what could only be Somali Pirates. Arriving in unmarked ships made from the finest cardboard from the UPS Store, it became clear the pirates were backed by someone with very good connections. Taking up to 5 students hostage, the pirates demanded chicken strips from the Student Union equal to the weight of those held captive.
University Officials panicked as with campus food prices, not even Bill Gates had enough wealth to meet their demands.
The situation only grew worse as University Administration went directly to President Stanley for guidance, only to find his office was filled with crates of USG T-shirts and illegally downloaded copies of Nicolas Cage films.
Now under the alias of 'Captain Crackbeard', people were shocked to discover it was the former-president, now Pirate-King, was the one who was pulling the strings behind the wave of piracy.
Before leaving on his cardboard and duct-tape flagship, Captain Crackbeard was asked why he resorted to piracy. His only response was to a hostage saying, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Seawolf now." 
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Neil deGrasse Tyson Ticketed In South P-Lot

4/27/2015

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Guest speaker and famed astrophysicist, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson received a ticket today as he attempted to park his ship of the imagination in the university's South P-Lot on his way to his lecture later today.
Campus police officers released an official statement citing that Dr. Tyson's vehicle had no visible tail lights and both the front and rear license plates were missing. During the citation Dr. Tyson raised his hands in the air and procalimed, "Don't Shoot!" as an added measure to ensure his own safety during the event.
The fine amounted to $250.00 or the purchase of 2 orders of chicken tenders from the Union Food Court, payable to the FSA.
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Roth Regatta 2015

2/25/2015

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Potheads Rejoice! As USG announces this year's Roth Regatta theme is the fantasy and magic of Harry Potter.

And for those of you new and/or unfamiliar with the magical franchise, Snape kills Dumbledore.

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BLOOD DRIVE TODAY AT THE SAC

2/18/2014

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After looking at the stars, head Shaman/President Stanley determined that the gods are punishing us with unending winter. To appease the spirits, Chief Stanley told reporters that "Students must bleed. All praise Lord Xenu."
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Guest Lecturer's Revealed!

12/2/2013

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The Stony Brook Enquirer brings our valued readers the inside scoop on upcoming events! 
Using our sophisticated image analysis techniques, our team of experts have cracked the code on USG at Stony Brook University's announcement. We can say with complete confidence that upcoming lecturers will be Jim Carrey and Susan Boyle!
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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