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The stony brook enquirer!
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"Rosa Parks" of Smoking Fights Back! #BlackLungsMatter

2/12/2016

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Picture
Recently, a brave group of students dared to challenge the changing environment on campus that has grown increasingly hostile to students who smoke.
As of January 2016, University Administration took a page right out of the book of infamous anti-smoker, Adolf Hitler, and instituted a fascist campus-wide ban on America's beloved pastime. The decrees of the Non-Fuming Fuhrer did not target just cigarettes, but all tobacco products, electronic cigarettes, huffable spray paint, crystal meth, cocaine, crack cocaine, uncracked cocaine, diet cocaine, ecstasy, molly, marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, chief keef, PCP, angel dust, purple drank, and slim jims.

The courageous leader of the "Solidarity Smokers" released a manifesto detailing their plan: 

"Whether or not you are a smoker, you probably agree that President Stanley has gone too far in imposing a campus-wide ban, not only on cigarettes, but ALL tobacco products, even electronic cigarettes (effective January 2016). While I understand the reasons behind this new "smoke-free policy," I can't respect a President who feels the need to impose a lifestyle on everyone, especially those students living on campus who are habitual smokers and have literally nowhere on campus to enjoy their tobacco products of choice in peace. I respect the decision to not smoke, but not when it's a decision made for me. Frankly, it's un-American."

(see the full statement here: http://heyevent.com/event/qfzrnypywoeqoa/safe-space-formerly-solidarity-smoke-in)

The tyrannical rule of President Stanley and his thugs in USG will be resisted at all costs by these brave rebels, and we will continue to be the voice of reason at this institution. #Trump2016
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Homecoming! WHATS A SEAWOLF?

9/26/2014

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Show your school spirit and cheer* for the Seawolves this Saturday at the homecoming game!

*Those who fail to show the appropriate amount of school spirit will be arrested by the University Fun Police and be personally paddled by Wolfie until they can feel the magic of Stony Brook. 
School spirit is MANDATORY

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DEVELOPING STORY: FOILed Again

7/8/2013

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Concerned students have lined up at the Quad office demanding to see their dorm records only to be told that the office doesn't retain records for over 2 months only citing that, "Satan demands tribute".
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Amateur Journalism By The Statesman

5/23/2013

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Official university news organization "The Statesman", has been under much criticism for its recent article regarding off campus establishments. The campus news organization failed to mention whether or not these establishments had any notable glory holes or reasonably priced crystal meth dealers in the vicinity. Local addicts and crack whores are disappointed by lack of relevant information on drugs by The Statesman.


The article in question
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There's More Than One Way to Skin a Copycat

5/22/2013

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SCANDAL in USG as Vice President of Communications uses funding to run shady tabloid with blackjack and hookers.
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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