Tensions rise between USG and The Stony Brook Press as the newspaper's budget is frozen. Senators have been reported to have been waking up next to severed horse heads, confirming our suspicions that bestiality and necrophilia runs rampant throughout USG
With hordes of students storming FSA and Campus dining demanding food, USG appeases the mob by throwing one of their own to the barbarian peasants.
In it's latest issue, The Stony Brook Press verbally sodomized USG in not one, but two articles, even going as far as to depict the USG mascot naked and powerless on the ground with smaller than average genitalia as the back cover. A re-enactment of the editorial assault can be seen below:
Despite ongoing rumors on the upcoming USG comedy show, we are still totally clueless on who the performer is. Our panel of experts have an 85% certainty that it will be Glenn Beck.
USG members have been attending sexual harassment lectures with the VP of Student Outreach stating, "People should know that women deserve respect, bitches love respect!".
Disappointment abounded at the campus train station today as hundreds of commuting students realized the train brought them to Stony Brook instead of Hogwarts.
With the recent surge in armed robberies on campus, USG allocates funds to create a squad of armed vigilantes to beat the crap out of minoriti-whoopsimean criminals.
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"