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The stony brook enquirer!
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Neil deGrasse Tyson Ticketed In South P-Lot

4/27/2015

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Guest speaker and famed astrophysicist, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson received a ticket today as he attempted to park his ship of the imagination in the university's South P-Lot on his way to his lecture later today.
Campus police officers released an official statement citing that Dr. Tyson's vehicle had no visible tail lights and both the front and rear license plates were missing. During the citation Dr. Tyson raised his hands in the air and procalimed, "Don't Shoot!" as an added measure to ensure his own safety during the event.
The fine amounted to $250.00 or the purchase of 2 orders of chicken tenders from the Union Food Court, payable to the FSA.
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DARKNESS! DARKNESS IS SPREADING! (Updated)

12/6/2013

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Sun disappears from the sky and panic spreads throughout campus. Astronomy professors plead for their lives, claiming the sun will rise again in about 15 hours as an angry mob of students prepare to sacrifice them to the gods. USG consults local witch doctors for answers.


UPDATE: The Stony Brook Enquirer is proud to report the return of the beloved sun, and would like to take the time to remember the astronomy professors who selflessly gave their lives to bring it back.
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You Teach Me, And I'll Teach You...

7/29/2013

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Meeting with much praise, the chairman of the Department of Molecular Genetics and Microbiology has announced a massive increase in funding for crucial genetic engineering projects. A spokesperson reported that "Soon we will be able to create the ultimate pokemon and advance the goals of Team Rocket."
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For Educational Purposes Only

6/29/2013

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As concerned chemistry students question why each class experiment involves the production of some form of "white powder", professors assured the Enquirer that there is nothing to worry about, and that the students' products were only sent to Charlie Sheen for "grading".
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Its One Small Step For Man.

6/23/2013

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"My God... its cheese! And its mine! ALL MINE!"

-Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon.

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The Future Is Now

6/8/2013

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In science news, the physics department announces the creation of the first fully-functional time machine. Dr. Pavel explained that a subject that entered the machine for 3 hours has emerged 3 hours into the future, marking the first time a subject has successfully traveled to the future after the acceptable loss of only 3 asian volunteers in previous attempts. In the spirit of scientific advancement, blueprints were made publicly available without the filing of any patents. (seen below)
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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