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The stony brook enquirer!
kneel before zod

"Rosa Parks" of Smoking Fights Back! #BlackLungsMatter

2/12/2016

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Recently, a brave group of students dared to challenge the changing environment on campus that has grown increasingly hostile to students who smoke.
As of January 2016, University Administration took a page right out of the book of infamous anti-smoker, Adolf Hitler, and instituted a fascist campus-wide ban on America's beloved pastime. The decrees of the Non-Fuming Fuhrer did not target just cigarettes, but all tobacco products, electronic cigarettes, huffable spray paint, crystal meth, cocaine, crack cocaine, uncracked cocaine, diet cocaine, ecstasy, molly, marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, chief keef, PCP, angel dust, purple drank, and slim jims.

The courageous leader of the "Solidarity Smokers" released a manifesto detailing their plan: 

"Whether or not you are a smoker, you probably agree that President Stanley has gone too far in imposing a campus-wide ban, not only on cigarettes, but ALL tobacco products, even electronic cigarettes (effective January 2016). While I understand the reasons behind this new "smoke-free policy," I can't respect a President who feels the need to impose a lifestyle on everyone, especially those students living on campus who are habitual smokers and have literally nowhere on campus to enjoy their tobacco products of choice in peace. I respect the decision to not smoke, but not when it's a decision made for me. Frankly, it's un-American."

(see the full statement here: http://heyevent.com/event/qfzrnypywoeqoa/safe-space-formerly-solidarity-smoke-in)

The tyrannical rule of President Stanley and his thugs in USG will be resisted at all costs by these brave rebels, and we will continue to be the voice of reason at this institution. #Trump2016
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I Always Donate Blood! Just Never My Own.

11/18/2013

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Terror grips Stony Brook as a truck behind the SAC was found to contain the blood and bodily fluids of countless students. The sickening level of organization in the vehicle has brought our panel of experts to conclude that this could only be the work of a deranged serial killer with a vampire fetish.
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Delicious Meals to Die For!

5/29/2013

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To lower the cost of dining on campus, FSA announced new, environmentally friendly senior citizen meals program, bringing new meaning to "grandma's cooking"!
In other news, University Hospital doctors adopt new uniform (pictured below).
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Bumming A Fag Just Became Harder

5/19/2013

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As smoking ban nears, USG stockpiles cigarettes cartons by the thousands. Funding allocated for tobacco speakeasies across campus.Gentlemen!
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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