You Teach Me, And I'll Teach You...
Meeting with much praise, the chairman of the Department of Molecular Genetics and Microbiology has announced a massive increase in funding for crucial genetic engineering projects. A spokesperson reported that "Soon we will be able to create the ultimate pokemon and advance the goals of Team Rocket."
With the birth of the royal baby imminent, President Stanley was quick to show his support. Upon hearing the news, he quickly put down his tea, crumpets, and Strumpets, to raise the Union Jack above Stony Brook. While some say he simply had his pigeons squeezed, others asserted that he was always as queer as a nine bob note.
Some Like it Hot
With forecasts stating a prolonged period of temperatures in the 90s, students are demanding that USG stop offering music majors as sacrifices to the Sun God, claiming they have more than enough sunshine.
When asked for a comment the VP of communications only stated "KALI MA SHAKTI DE!" (seen here)
DEVELOPING STORY: FOILed Again
Concerned students have lined up at the Quad office demanding to see their dorm records only to be told that the office doesn't retain records for over 2 months only citing that, "Satan demands tribute".
SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE
Despite ongoing rumors, President Stanley denied that Stony Brook had a "chamber of secrets" in the girls' bathroom of the Frank Melville Jr. Memorial Library. President Stanley then proceeded to end the interview abruptly claiming he had Indian food for lunch and was in need of a good book.
As undercover Enquirer reporter Edwin Snowman leaks documents showing that USG has been spying on Stony Brook students! However, the USG spy program has proved to be a waste of money as the warrantless phone and email searches has only revealed that students "got totally drunk last night" in most of the messages.
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"