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To lower the cost of dining on campus, FSA announced new, environmentally friendly senior citizen meals program, bringing new meaning to "grandma's cooking"! In other news, University Hospital doctors adopt new uniform (pictured below).  Official university news organization "The Statesman", has been under much criticism for its recent article regarding off campus establishments. The campus news organization failed to mention whether or not these establishments had any notable glory holes or reasonably priced crystal meth dealers in the vicinity. Local addicts and crack whores are disappointed by lack of relevant information on drugs by The Statesman.
The article in question  With shortage of diplomas, President Stanley creates first Stony Brook Hunger Games to replace graduation ceremony. May the odds be ever in your favor!
USG holds free BBQ to mask true, sinister intentions. Monopolizing control of meat, student executives manipulate clueless students in the guise of charity. SCANDAL in USG as Vice President of Communications uses funding to run shady tabloid with blackjack and hookers.
Campus police to start using body scanners in library after USG Vice President-elect was found to possess over 2 ounces of skittles on him.
Chancellor Zimpher ascends to Iron Throne.
President Stanley appointed as Hand of the King. In other news over $30,000.00 were found to be misplaced during a budget meeting. http://store.hbo.com/game-of-thrones-life-size-replica-iron-throne/detail.php?p=373634 SUNY Chancellor N.L. Zimpher declares reorganization of the NY campuses: "In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the State University will be reorganized into the First Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society."
Does President Stanley hate Asians so much that he's planning an Opium war?
As smoking ban nears, USG stockpiles cigarettes cartons by the thousands. Funding allocated for tobacco speakeasies across campus.Gentlemen!
Stress consumes students and final exams begin. Drop out rates and crystal meth production at an all time high. Invest in sudafed today!
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