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The Stony Brook Enquirer would like to tell the public that while you lowly peasants are stuck in the cheap seats for tonight's concert, the totally legitimate reporters will be enjoying the concert in the VIP section with hookers and blackjack, courtesy of USG.  Its the day of the concert and students still don't know who the performers are.
USG plans to hand out free fedoras to all who attend. It was a scene of religious pilgrimage today as hundreds of students made a nightlong journey in the cold darkness all the way to the shrine known as the Union Ticket booth. The cold masses chanted the names of their gods: Chyld-ish and Dippe-Loh, who anthropology professors have concluded must be the ancient gods of youth and duality respectively. All this was done for a chance to receive a small sheet of paper with ancient runes on it, in hopes that the magic charm would grant them entry into paradise one day.
Election results for USG are in and most candidates ran unopposed, winning 100% of the ballot. Though students and other campus news outlets questioned the legitimacy of the democratic process, The Stony Brook Enquirer concluded that the candidates were humbled by the results, as it must have been a spiritual experience as the VP of Communications stated, "To question USG is to question god."
We here at the Enquirer happily accept our new loving overlords.  After months of randomly digging across campus, survey teams have finally found the sweet and friendly nectar of the earth: oil. Stony Brook has partnered with America's favorite company, BP to aid in the fun and environmentally friendly practice of drilling for fossil fuel to put our University on the map of the 21st century. When informed that the campus may be sitting on the mother lode, President Stanley immediately approved permits to begin frackng in Tabler Quad, while stating, " I drink your milkshake, I drink it up." Referencing his well known love for dairy products.
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