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The stony brook enquirer!
kneel before zod

"Rosa Parks" of Smoking Fights Back! #BlackLungsMatter

2/12/2016

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Recently, a brave group of students dared to challenge the changing environment on campus that has grown increasingly hostile to students who smoke.
As of January 2016, University Administration took a page right out of the book of infamous anti-smoker, Adolf Hitler, and instituted a fascist campus-wide ban on America's beloved pastime. The decrees of the Non-Fuming Fuhrer did not target just cigarettes, but all tobacco products, electronic cigarettes, huffable spray paint, crystal meth, cocaine, crack cocaine, uncracked cocaine, diet cocaine, ecstasy, molly, marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, chief keef, PCP, angel dust, purple drank, and slim jims.

The courageous leader of the "Solidarity Smokers" released a manifesto detailing their plan: 

"Whether or not you are a smoker, you probably agree that President Stanley has gone too far in imposing a campus-wide ban, not only on cigarettes, but ALL tobacco products, even electronic cigarettes (effective January 2016). While I understand the reasons behind this new "smoke-free policy," I can't respect a President who feels the need to impose a lifestyle on everyone, especially those students living on campus who are habitual smokers and have literally nowhere on campus to enjoy their tobacco products of choice in peace. I respect the decision to not smoke, but not when it's a decision made for me. Frankly, it's un-American."

(see the full statement here: http://heyevent.com/event/qfzrnypywoeqoa/safe-space-formerly-solidarity-smoke-in)

The tyrannical rule of President Stanley and his thugs in USG will be resisted at all costs by these brave rebels, and we will continue to be the voice of reason at this institution. #Trump2016
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Neil deGrasse Tyson Ticketed In South P-Lot

4/27/2015

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Guest speaker and famed astrophysicist, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson received a ticket today as he attempted to park his ship of the imagination in the university's South P-Lot on his way to his lecture later today.
Campus police officers released an official statement citing that Dr. Tyson's vehicle had no visible tail lights and both the front and rear license plates were missing. During the citation Dr. Tyson raised his hands in the air and procalimed, "Don't Shoot!" as an added measure to ensure his own safety during the event.
The fine amounted to $250.00 or the purchase of 2 orders of chicken tenders from the Union Food Court, payable to the FSA.
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ANONYMOUS HACKS STONY BROOK

4/7/2015

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Yesterday afternoon, Stony Brook University internet and communication networks were crippled by a distributed denial-of-service (DDoS) attack, shutting down or hampering network access throughout the main campus. Students were panicking as they were unable to procrastinate by going on facebook or stalk their cute history classmate's instagram photos throughout the day. In an act of desperation some students dared to bring up the unheard of idea to actually study during the internet outage. All we can say is that the attacks were probably brought on by the rogue internet vigilante hacker group known as Anonymous aka "4chan" or some sophisticated systems administrator.
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

3/17/2015

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Stony Brook Environmental Health and Safety would like to inform students remaining on campus for spring break that the green water coming out of the drinking fountains is NOT in celebration of St. Patrick's Day, and that the issues are being dealt with and should be resolved as soon as possible.
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USG Abandons Stony Brook

10/17/2014

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High-ranking members of USG leave campus for the SUNY Student Assembly in Henrietta New York. Stony Brook University is now without a functioning government. When asked how this sudden power vacuum will be dealt with, Wolfie had this to say:

"We take SBU from the corrupt! The USG! The oppressors of generations who have kept you down with myths of concerts and free t-shirts and we give it back to you... the students. The campus is yours. None shall interfere. Do as you please!"

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Armed Intruder Caught At SBS Building

10/7/2014

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Following the recent arrest of the knife-wielding gunman who terrorized the SBS Building, University administration held a conference announcing that the Social and Behavioral Sciences building will be re-named "Roosevelt II"
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Homecoming! WHATS A SEAWOLF?

9/26/2014

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Show your school spirit and cheer* for the Seawolves this Saturday at the homecoming game!

*Those who fail to show the appropriate amount of school spirit will be arrested by the University Fun Police and be personally paddled by Wolfie until they can feel the magic of Stony Brook. 
School spirit is MANDATORY

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Stony Brook Under Martial Law

5/9/2014

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In response to growing rumors of dissent among the student body, President Stanley was quick to enact martial law and deploy soldiers and armored vehicles to the SAC in what he described as a plan to "Crush the rebel scum that lurks in USG." 
Students voiced their concern as President Stanley may have gone too far when he authorized the use of informational pamphlets and what appears to be a miniature bouncy castle outside the building.
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Stanley of the House of Seawolves, First of His Name, President of the University and the Students, Lord of the Six Undergraduate Colleges and Protector of the Campus

1/8/2014

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As winter has finally come to Stony Brook, President Stanley commissions the construction of a massive fortification of ice around Roosevelt quad to protect the campus from the monsters and wildlings beyond the wall. Applications are currently being accepted for the new position of Lord Commander of The Wall.
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The First Lady Would Be Proud

10/25/2013

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Roosevelt RAs are fed up with their quad being labeled a "ghetto" so they released a report showing the number of crack addicts are at an all time low. When asked about the increase in cocaine use, a spokesman stated it was good news as "Cocaine is a drug for rich white people."
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Ever Wonder Why Trees and Terrorists Both Start With The Letter "T"?

10/22/2013

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Autumn is here and millions of americans are reporting the leaves changing color and falling. The EPA made a statement telling citizens not to be alarmed as "Everything is going according to plan for it is a good sign we are winning the war on nature."
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Sexual Harassment Is Not Funny

9/24/2013

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USG members have been attending sexual harassment lectures with the VP of Student Outreach stating, "People should know that women deserve respect, bitches love respect!".
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In Brightest Day and Blackest Night, But Not In A Racist Way.

9/3/2013

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With the recent surge in armed robberies on campus, USG allocates funds to create a squad of armed vigilantes to beat the crap out of minoriti-whoopsimean criminals.
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Patriot or Traitor, Clarice?

8/23/2013

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In an interview with Bradley (now Chelsea) Manning, we asked about his/her gender, and he only responded "It rubs the lotion on its skin."
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Like White On (Not) Rice

8/17/2013

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Emperor Stanley has banned rice cookers on campus. Protecting the public safety or fighting he yellow menace?
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NSAyyy Lmao

7/1/2013

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As undercover Enquirer reporter Edwin Snowman leaks documents showing that USG has been spying on Stony Brook students! However, the USG spy program has proved to be a waste of money as the warrantless phone and email searches has only revealed that students "got totally drunk last night" in most of the messages.
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Grope the Reading Rainbow. Taste the Reading Rainbow

5/21/2013

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Campus police to start using body scanners in library after USG Vice President-elect was found to possess over 2 ounces of skittles on him.
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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