With a significant percentage of Asian students on campus, university administration was quick to address issues surrounding the difficulty of travel back home during the breaks between semesters. To ease the burden of commuting and travel, President Stanley graciously allocated some of the inexhaustible supply of construction crewmen to dig a tunnel straight to China, in a heroic effort that was described as "totally not a waste of money."
Stony Brook Puts Students First
Can He Fix It?
In an attempt to quell rumors that Stony Brook has become an eternal construction site, President Stanley held a press conference, stating that "Such gossip is preposterous."
Sources from university administration who wish to remain anonymous claim to have seen President Stanley locking himself in his office for days at a time only to hear the "Bob the Builder" theme song emanating through the door.
As the number of holes and "construction sites" increase on campus, President Stanley denies he is pouring resources into searching for Crackbeard's secret pirate booty.
in other news! the school of marine and atmospheric sciences is looking for a crew of able-bodied students and "fine wenches" to man their newly acquired ship: The Salty Seawolf.
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"