Stony Brook cancels classes again, adopting new "screw this!" plan. Students still recovering from tragic internet outage.
New campus rec center too good. Makes SAC gym feel inadequate as it shuts down in shame.
Unexplained disease hits people after weekend of massive drinking. Hangover-like symptoms and not going to class rampant among members of college fraternities and sororities. CDC remains baffled.
In other news, beer companies report record profits.
Brookhaven Labs goes bankrupt in attempt to recreate flubber from Robin Williams' movie. Turns to crystal meth production to cover losses.
Construction workers uncover ancient indian burial site. President Stanley uses its cursed magic to summon army of unpaid interns.
The campus Catholic Ministry has announced the creation of a vampire hunting club in order to combat the growing blood-sucking menace on campus. While currently seeking USG funding, this has not gone without criticism from students and faculty. Concerns arose about the lack of a werewolf-fighting task force. Pastor O'Mally has stated that the idea of a werewolf threat is just absurd as all the werewolves of Stony Brook are locked up in silver cages beneath Javits lecture hall.
BREAKING NEWS: Genetically modified yeti terrorizes Stony Brook residents with door-to-to vacuum sales.
Stay tuned for updates if I feel like it!
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"