Do not try and shovel the snow. That is impossible. Instead, try to realize the truth: there is no snow.
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Campus emergency services has announced that all classes for Monday and Tuesday have been canceled due to the expected snowfall. University Administration and Campus Dining Services would like to remind students to stop stealing salt shakers as the school's limited budget makes it the only source of salt for the roads.
Becoming sick and tired of students on campus singing songs from Disney's "Frozen", President Stanley creates ongoing heat wave and cancels fall and winter semesters, replacing them with Summer Sessions III and IV.
In response to critics of such action, President Stanley stated "Opponents of this administrative action should just let it go." Today's weather forecast calls for clear, sunny skies with a high of about 70 degrees in the afternoon. Rainbows and unicorns will appear around 2:30 PM while Tupac releases his new album, all while Kate Upton agrees to go out with me.
As the snow on campus begins to melt, a vast amount of sand and salt is revealed to cover the university, bringing to light what we have all feared: Fat cat President Stanley is using global warming and is shipping in sand to flood Stony Brook to create ocean beach front property to sell to real estate brokers at record profits.
After looking at the stars, head Shaman/President Stanley determined that the gods are punishing us with unending winter. To appease the spirits, Chief Stanley told reporters that "Students must bleed. All praise Lord Xenu."
As winter has finally come to Stony Brook, President Stanley commissions the construction of a massive fortification of ice around Roosevelt quad to protect the campus from the monsters and wildlings beyond the wall. Applications are currently being accepted for the new position of Lord Commander of The Wall.
 With forecasts stating a prolonged period of temperatures in the 90s, students are demanding that USG stop offering music majors as sacrifices to the Sun God, claiming they have more than enough sunshine.
When asked for a comment the VP of communications only stated "KALI MA SHAKTI DE!" (seen here) Students whine like a bunch of pussies as snow falls on campus. Cold-related puns increasing at a moderate rate.
Stony Brook cancels classes again, adopting new "screw this!" plan. Students still recovering from tragic internet outage.
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