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The stony brook enquirer!
kneel before zod

For Educational Purposes Only

6/29/2013

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As concerned chemistry students question why each class experiment involves the production of some form of "white powder", professors assured the Enquirer that there is nothing to worry about, and that the students' products were only sent to Charlie Sheen for "grading".
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Supremely Fabulous

6/26/2013

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Supreme Court of the United States struck down the Defense of Marriage Act today after declaring the law was "Totally gay".
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Its One Small Step For Man.

6/23/2013

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"My God... its cheese! And its mine! ALL MINE!"

-Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon.

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CONSPIRACY IN USG?

6/21/2013

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In what officials are calling a simple mistake in spelling, more concerned voices are implying that there may be a fraudulent imposter running a secret agenda in USG as seen in the scientific comparison of the two apparent Vice Presidents of Communications. Students panic as they quickly lose trust in their "elected" leaders.
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FINANCIAL UPDATE

6/12/2013

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In response to proposed budget cuts, USG has met sharp criticism with opponents citing that its "Mo' money, mo' problems" approach is a blatant reversal of its previous "fuck bitches, get money" platform from 2012. 
When asked to comment on the issue, Wolfie simply responded "Don't hate the playa, hate the game."
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The Future Is Now

6/8/2013

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In science news, the physics department announces the creation of the first fully-functional time machine. Dr. Pavel explained that a subject that entered the machine for 3 hours has emerged 3 hours into the future, marking the first time a subject has successfully traveled to the future after the acceptable loss of only 3 asian volunteers in previous attempts. In the spirit of scientific advancement, blueprints were made publicly available without the filing of any patents. (seen below)
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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