Blog Archives - The stony brook enquirer!

Beelzebub Does Not Discriminate

10/31/2013

Its Halloween and Satanists on campus are outraged that they do not get an office or recognition like the Christian, Muslim, and Buddhist students. Protesters drew pentagrams and blasted Marilyn Manson while chanting in aramaic at the administrative staff and President Stanley, who was surprisingly unaffected by the ritual.
In other news, President Stanley has banned crucifixes, holy water and sunlight from his office.

Savvy?

10/28/2013

As the number of holes and "construction sites" increase on campus, President Stanley denies he is pouring resources into searching for Crackbeard's secret pirate booty.
in other news! the school of marine and atmospheric sciences is looking for a crew of able-bodied students and "fine wenches" to man their newly acquired ship: The Salty Seawolf.

The First Lady Would Be Proud

10/25/2013

Roosevelt RAs are fed up with their quad being labeled a "ghetto" so they released a report showing the number of crack addicts are at an all time low. When asked about the increase in cocaine use, a spokesman stated it was good news as "Cocaine is a drug for rich white people."

Ever Wonder Why Trees and Terrorists Both Start With The Letter "T"?

10/22/2013

Autumn is here and millions of americans are reporting the leaves changing color and falling. The EPA made a statement telling citizens not to be alarmed as "Everything is going according to plan for it is a good sign we are winning the war on nature."

Shut Your Hole Wang Chung!

10/18/2013

The Wang Center is proud to announce it has picked Alison Gold's "Chinese Food" as its official theme song for the Jasmine food court.

I LIRRterally Can't Even

10/16/2013

A terrible tragedy occurred at the LIRR this evening as delays caused countless girls to be late to the Selena Gomez concert. The preteen victims have officially declared the train staff to be "literally worse than Hitler" after the abhorrent delay.
In other news, a pedestrian was hit by a train at Syosset station earlier today.

Happy Columbus Day!

10/13/2013

Unlike the university administrators who hate the beloved tradition of Columbus Day, The Stony Brook Enquirer plans to celebrate a traditional Columbus Day by enslaving natives, stealing gold, and handing out blankets filled with smallpox.

October 06th, 2013

10/6/2013

Uh... Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It?

10/6/2013

It was a scene of gang violence at the homecoming game, as thousands of Bloods outnumbered the few Crips at the Kenneth P. LaValle stadium.