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The stony brook enquirer!
kneel before zod

Students Still Waiting In Line For Strawberry Fest

5/7/2015

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In what can only be described as a brutal death march not seen since the days of Imperial Japan in World War II, hundreds if not thousands of students were lined up around the Student Activity Center under the belief that they would receive delicious strawberries in a timely and orderly manner.
Underestimating the sheer volume and determination of students, Campus Dining was forced to abandon their stations upon the exhaustion of supplies and workers before notifying those remaining in line.
What was once a proud student community center, the SAC is nothing more than a morbid shadow of its former self, surrounded by the bones and dying bodies of the students still waiting, who foolishly clung to the idea of hope and strawberries

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Neil deGrasse Tyson Ticketed In South P-Lot

4/27/2015

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Guest speaker and famed astrophysicist, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson received a ticket today as he attempted to park his ship of the imagination in the university's South P-Lot on his way to his lecture later today.
Campus police officers released an official statement citing that Dr. Tyson's vehicle had no visible tail lights and both the front and rear license plates were missing. During the citation Dr. Tyson raised his hands in the air and procalimed, "Don't Shoot!" as an added measure to ensure his own safety during the event.
The fine amounted to $250.00 or the purchase of 2 orders of chicken tenders from the Union Food Court, payable to the FSA.
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In Memory and Celebration of Charles Darwin

2/12/2015

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To celebrate the work of evolutionary pioneer Charles Darwin, Stony Brook is proud to offer a free "Darwinian Meal" to all environmentally fit students. When asked what a "Darwinian Meal" was, President Stanley quickly grabbed the the weakest and most juicy reporter yelling "Surivial of the fittest!" as he then proceeded to eat the genetically inferior reporter. David Attenborough narrated the events.
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Classes Canceled Due to First Snow Day of the Year

1/25/2015

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Campus emergency services has announced that all classes for Monday and Tuesday have been canceled due to the expected snowfall. University Administration and Campus Dining Services would like to remind students to stop stealing salt shakers as the school's limited budget makes it the only source of salt for the roads.
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A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys

9/8/2014

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We at the Stony Brook Enquirer are here to ask you a question: Is a student not entitled to a fairly priced piece of fruit? 
"No!" says the man in at the dining hall, "That banana costs $1.03."
"No!" says the man in the FSA office, "The meal plans save money."
"No!" says President Stanley, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!." 
I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... to buy groceries at Pathmark. A store where the student would not fear the pasta; where the wallet would not be bound by impending emptiness; where the stomach would not be constrained by the budget! And with the free weekend bus, Pathmark can become your store as well.
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Senior BBQ

5/19/2014

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Earlier this week a chemical explosion in the ESS laboratories was quickly contained and resulted in an unknown number of casualties.
IN OTHER NEWS: USG has been given a sudden gift of a large amount of fresh undisclosed meat, and will be handing it out for FREE at the Roosevelt Pit this Wednesday as a student BBQ!
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FAMINE SPREADS ACROSS STONY BROOK

5/13/2014

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As the semester draws to a close, the amount of meal points in students' accounts dwindle or are already depleted. Desperate students turn to the monstrous geese on campus in a dangerous attempt for a meal. University officials quickly attempted to cover up the food shortage by claiming the introduction of a "humane goose control program".
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OIL DISCOVERED UNDER UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL

4/11/2014

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After months of randomly digging across campus, survey teams have finally found the sweet and friendly nectar of the earth: oil. Stony Brook has partnered with America's favorite company, BP to aid in the fun and environmentally friendly practice of drilling for fossil fuel to put our University on the map of the 21st century. When informed that the campus may be sitting on the mother lode, President Stanley immediately approved permits to begin frackng in Tabler Quad, while stating, " I drink your milkshake, I drink it up." Referencing his well known love for dairy products.

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Shut Your Hole Wang Chung!

10/18/2013

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The Wang Center is proud to announce it has picked Alison Gold's "Chinese Food" as its official theme song for the Jasmine food court.
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October 06th, 2013

10/6/2013

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Eat, Pray, Love the Taste of Interns

9/28/2013

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With hordes of students storming FSA and Campus dining demanding food, USG appeases the mob by throwing one of their own to the barbarian peasants.
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Delicious Meals to Die For!

5/29/2013

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To lower the cost of dining on campus, FSA announced new, environmentally friendly senior citizen meals program, bringing new meaning to "grandma's cooking"!
In other news, University Hospital doctors adopt new uniform (pictured below).
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FREE FOOD!

5/22/2013

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USG holds free BBQ to mask true, sinister intentions. Monopolizing control of meat, student executives manipulate clueless students in the guise of charity.



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Just One More Cup...

2/17/2013

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Starbucks opens 3rd campus location, and Pres. Stanley announces sale of entire school for several tons of coffee.
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
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