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The stony brook enquirer!
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Neil deGrasse Tyson Ticketed In South P-Lot

4/27/2015

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Guest speaker and famed astrophysicist, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson received a ticket today as he attempted to park his ship of the imagination in the university's South P-Lot on his way to his lecture later today.
Campus police officers released an official statement citing that Dr. Tyson's vehicle had no visible tail lights and both the front and rear license plates were missing. During the citation Dr. Tyson raised his hands in the air and procalimed, "Don't Shoot!" as an added measure to ensure his own safety during the event.
The fine amounted to $250.00 or the purchase of 2 orders of chicken tenders from the Union Food Court, payable to the FSA.
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Happy Earth Day!

4/22/2015

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In celebration of our planet and environment, Stony Brook Environmental Health and Safety is proud to announce that the amount of radiation leaking from the university power plant is at its lowest levels in 5 years.
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Student Makes Reference to Marijuana

4/20/2015

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In an act of creative originality, a student suggested that Stony Brook University offer a major in "Weed Studies" and "Dank Memes".No one could have possibly predicted this stroke of genius to occur on April 20th of all days in the year.
Seeing the merit of such education, President Samuel L. Stanley was quick to approve such program stating, "My middle name is 'L' for a good fucking reason."

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ANONYMOUS HACKS STONY BROOK

4/7/2015

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Yesterday afternoon, Stony Brook University internet and communication networks were crippled by a distributed denial-of-service (DDoS) attack, shutting down or hampering network access throughout the main campus. Students were panicking as they were unable to procrastinate by going on facebook or stalk their cute history classmate's instagram photos throughout the day. In an act of desperation some students dared to bring up the unheard of idea to actually study during the internet outage. All we can say is that the attacks were probably brought on by the rogue internet vigilante hacker group known as Anonymous aka "4chan" or some sophisticated systems administrator.
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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