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Earlier this week a chemical explosion in the ESS laboratories was quickly contained and resulted in an unknown number of casualties.
IN OTHER NEWS: USG has been given a sudden gift of a large amount of fresh undisclosed meat, and will be handing it out for FREE at the Roosevelt Pit this Wednesday as a student BBQ! As the semester draws to a close, the amount of meal points in students' accounts dwindle or are already depleted. Desperate students turn to the monstrous geese on campus in a dangerous attempt for a meal. University officials quickly attempted to cover up the food shortage by claiming the introduction of a "humane goose control program".
In response to growing rumors of dissent among the student body, President Stanley was quick to enact martial law and deploy soldiers and armored vehicles to the SAC in what he described as a plan to "Crush the rebel scum that lurks in USG." Students voiced their concern as President Stanley may have gone too far when he authorized the use of informational pamphlets and what appears to be a miniature bouncy castle outside the building.  In the aftermath of the 2014 Roth Regatta, The Stony Brook Enquirer is sad to report that the USG boat sank and with all hands lost. We will be reminded of this tragic loss next semester as we see USG positions filled with new members to replace those who went down with the ship.
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