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The stony brook enquirer!
kneel before zod

"Rosa Parks" of Smoking Fights Back! #BlackLungsMatter

2/12/2016

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Recently, a brave group of students dared to challenge the changing environment on campus that has grown increasingly hostile to students who smoke.
As of January 2016, University Administration took a page right out of the book of infamous anti-smoker, Adolf Hitler, and instituted a fascist campus-wide ban on America's beloved pastime. The decrees of the Non-Fuming Fuhrer did not target just cigarettes, but all tobacco products, electronic cigarettes, huffable spray paint, crystal meth, cocaine, crack cocaine, uncracked cocaine, diet cocaine, ecstasy, molly, marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, chief keef, PCP, angel dust, purple drank, and slim jims.

The courageous leader of the "Solidarity Smokers" released a manifesto detailing their plan: 

"Whether or not you are a smoker, you probably agree that President Stanley has gone too far in imposing a campus-wide ban, not only on cigarettes, but ALL tobacco products, even electronic cigarettes (effective January 2016). While I understand the reasons behind this new "smoke-free policy," I can't respect a President who feels the need to impose a lifestyle on everyone, especially those students living on campus who are habitual smokers and have literally nowhere on campus to enjoy their tobacco products of choice in peace. I respect the decision to not smoke, but not when it's a decision made for me. Frankly, it's un-American."

(see the full statement here: http://heyevent.com/event/qfzrnypywoeqoa/safe-space-formerly-solidarity-smoke-in)

The tyrannical rule of President Stanley and his thugs in USG will be resisted at all costs by these brave rebels, and we will continue to be the voice of reason at this institution. #Trump2016
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In Honor of Martin Luther King Jr.

1/19/2015

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We look back in history on this day in memory of a man who fought for civil rights for all Americans and people of the world. 
When asked for a few words of comment on this day, University officials quickly scrambled to get out their smartphones and show us on facebook that they are not racist and many of their friends are black.
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Armed Intruder Caught At SBS Building

10/7/2014

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Following the recent arrest of the knife-wielding gunman who terrorized the SBS Building, University administration held a conference announcing that the Social and Behavioral Sciences building will be re-named "Roosevelt II"
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The Heat Never Bothered Me Anyway

9/2/2014

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Becoming sick and tired of students on campus singing songs from Disney's "Frozen", President Stanley creates ongoing heat wave and cancels fall and winter semesters, replacing them with Summer Sessions III and IV.
In response to critics of such action, President Stanley stated "Opponents of this administrative action should just let it go."
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Free Food! But at What Cost?

8/22/2014

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The new semester kicks off in Stony Brook with a bang as campus services offer free food and drink in a show of festivity. But we here at the Stony Brook Enquirer know this is nothing but a pathetic ploy by campus administration to distract new students from the serious issue of-OHMYGOSH THEY HAVE FREE CUPCAKES.
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Happy Columbus Day!

10/13/2013

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Unlike the university administrators who hate the beloved tradition of Columbus Day, The Stony Brook Enquirer plans to celebrate a traditional Columbus Day by enslaving natives, stealing gold, and handing out blankets filled with smallpox.
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Brace Yourselves, Increased Fees Are Coming.

5/20/2013

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Chancellor Zimpher ascends to Iron Throne. 
President Stanley appointed as Hand of the King.
In other news over $30,000.00 were found to be misplaced during a budget meeting.

http://store.hbo.com/game-of-thrones-life-size-replica-iron-throne/detail.php?p=373634
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Oh, I'm Afraid the Tuition Will Be Quite Higher When the Freshmen Arrive...

5/20/2013

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SUNY Chancellor N.L. Zimpher declares reorganization of the NY campuses: "In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the State University will be reorganized into the First Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society."
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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