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The stony brook enquirer!
kneel before zod

Neil deGrasse Tyson Ticketed In South P-Lot

4/27/2015

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Guest speaker and famed astrophysicist, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson received a ticket today as he attempted to park his ship of the imagination in the university's South P-Lot on his way to his lecture later today.
Campus police officers released an official statement citing that Dr. Tyson's vehicle had no visible tail lights and both the front and rear license plates were missing. During the citation Dr. Tyson raised his hands in the air and procalimed, "Don't Shoot!" as an added measure to ensure his own safety during the event.
The fine amounted to $250.00 or the purchase of 2 orders of chicken tenders from the Union Food Court, payable to the FSA.
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Classes Canceled Due to First Snow Day of the Year

1/25/2015

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Campus emergency services has announced that all classes for Monday and Tuesday have been canceled due to the expected snowfall. University Administration and Campus Dining Services would like to remind students to stop stealing salt shakers as the school's limited budget makes it the only source of salt for the roads.
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ANARCHY HITS STONY BROOK

10/8/2014

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With the extremely limited space for this month's ICONA POP concert,USG at Stony Brook University turns into Willy Fucking Wonka and will hand out half the tickets* at this Saturday's football game, with the other half being obtainable only by some unknown internet shenanigans on the USG website, which totally does not host amish-themed porn.


EDIT: due to poor communication by both parties, it seemed highly suggestive that tickets would be free and handed out. It is now clear that this is no longer the case and that tickets can only be reserved and cost $5.00.
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A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys

9/8/2014

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We at the Stony Brook Enquirer are here to ask you a question: Is a student not entitled to a fairly priced piece of fruit? 
"No!" says the man in at the dining hall, "That banana costs $1.03."
"No!" says the man in the FSA office, "The meal plans save money."
"No!" says President Stanley, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!." 
I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... to buy groceries at Pathmark. A store where the student would not fear the pasta; where the wallet would not be bound by impending emptiness; where the stomach would not be constrained by the budget! And with the free weekend bus, Pathmark can become your store as well.
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A CONSPIRACY UNCOVERED!

3/7/2014

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As the snow on campus begins to melt, a vast amount of sand and salt is revealed to cover the university, bringing to light what we have all feared: Fat cat President Stanley is using global warming and is shipping in sand to flood Stony Brook to create ocean beach front property to sell to real estate brokers at record profits.
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October 06th, 2013

10/6/2013

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In Brightest Day and Blackest Night, But Not In A Racist Way.

9/3/2013

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With the recent surge in armed robberies on campus, USG allocates funds to create a squad of armed vigilantes to beat the crap out of minoriti-whoopsimean criminals.
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FINANCIAL UPDATE

6/12/2013

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In response to proposed budget cuts, USG has met sharp criticism with opponents citing that its "Mo' money, mo' problems" approach is a blatant reversal of its previous "fuck bitches, get money" platform from 2012. 
When asked to comment on the issue, Wolfie simply responded "Don't hate the playa, hate the game."
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Delicious Meals to Die For!

5/29/2013

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To lower the cost of dining on campus, FSA announced new, environmentally friendly senior citizen meals program, bringing new meaning to "grandma's cooking"!
In other news, University Hospital doctors adopt new uniform (pictured below).
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Brace Yourselves, Increased Fees Are Coming.

5/20/2013

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Chancellor Zimpher ascends to Iron Throne. 
President Stanley appointed as Hand of the King.
In other news over $30,000.00 were found to be misplaced during a budget meeting.

http://store.hbo.com/game-of-thrones-life-size-replica-iron-throne/detail.php?p=373634
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SCANDAL!

4/7/2013

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USG allocates funds for pork barrel spending on actual barrels of pork. Jewish and muslim students outraged.
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Something's Jiggling In The Water 

2/27/2013

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University pool remains closed for "construction". 
In other news, President Stanley seen in speedo with $30,000 worth of jello mix.
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BREAKING NEWS: No Need To Panic! Calm Down And Have A Drink

12/17/2012

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President Stanley denies allegations of pouring millions of student and taxpayer dollars into secret 2012 personal bunker. 
In other news, construction on the Stony Brook Hilton hotel completed it's 5-mile deep "wine cellar".
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WEEKEND UPDATE

10/6/2012

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Brookhaven Labs goes bankrupt in attempt to recreate flubber from Robin Williams' movie. Turns to crystal meth production to cover losses.
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    Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" 
    "My name is The Stony Brook Enquirer," he replied, "for we are many."

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