Final exams are upon us but don't panic! We all get jitters and become nervous when it comes to big tests, but its only natural. After listening to the experiences of other students, stress is now a thing of the past! All you have to do is-

OH WHO THE FUCK ARE WE KIDDING? PANIC. AKJLFHG;LSDFJSLKF EVERYONE PANIC. WE'RE ALL GOING TO FAIL AND DIE. WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO KNOW WHAT LITHIUM DOES IN ORGANIC CHEMISTRY? LITHIUM IS A FUCKING METAL. ITS NOT FUCKING ORGANIC. I'M GOING TO GET A 'D-' AT BEST EVEN WITH THIS STUPID CURVE AND END UP WORKING AT A CHUCK E. CHEESE'S CATERING TO SOME BRATTY LITTLE SHITS AND THEIR STUPID PARENTS WHO FOR SOME REASON CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A CHILDREN'S PARTY CENTER, THERE ARE NO GIANT CAKES WITH STRIPPERS IN THEM.
OH AND SPEAKING OF CHEAP SKANKY WHORES, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SOON-TO-BE EX-BOYFRIEND TO CONSOLE ME AND HELP ME STUDY? OH I KNOW, HE'S PROBABLY WITH THAT OTHER CHEAP SKANKY WHORE STACY THAT HE MET AT LAST WEEKS PARTY FOR ONLY 3 FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE SHE RAN OFF DRUNK TO SLEEP WITH EVERY FUCKING FRAT BOY THERE. ALKSFGLKDF WHAT DID I SEE IN HIM? I MAY NOT PASS THIS EXAM, BUT I WILL PASS HIS HOUSE AND PASS THE MOST VIOLENT SHIT IN THE WORLD ON HIS EVEN SHITTIER CAR. AJKLFGL;SDFJBSLK FUCK THIS CLASS.

In what can only be described as a brutal death march not seen since the days of Imperial Japan in World War II, hundreds if not thousands of students were lined up around the Student Activity Center under the belief that they would receive delicious strawberries in a timely and orderly manner.
Underestimating the sheer volume and determination of students, Campus Dining was forced to abandon their stations upon the exhaustion of supplies and workers before notifying those remaining in line.
What was once a proud student community center, the SAC is nothing more than a morbid shadow of its former self, surrounded by the bones and dying bodies of the students still waiting, who foolishly clung to the idea of hope and strawberries

Celebrating cultural diversity in Stony Brook, students across campus suddenly realized their Mexican heritage just in time for Cinco De Mayo. In an act of humility and reverence for Mexican culture, students across campus gave up drinking the usual vodka and bud light for the day, and humbly chose to consume Tequila and Corona in honor of the Latin American holiday.  
Interviewing Mexican students on campus such as Jin-Woo Lee and David Goldbergstein, both claimed to be very proud of their Mexican heritage as they continued to down shots of traditional Mexican spirits.

A few hours before the start of the 2015 Roth Pond Regatta, several boats were attacked and hijacked by what could only be Somali Pirates. Arriving in unmarked ships made from the finest cardboard from the UPS Store, it became clear the pirates were backed by someone with very good connections. Taking up to 5 students hostage, the pirates demanded chicken strips from the Student Union equal to the weight of those held captive.
University Officials panicked as with campus food prices, not even Bill Gates had enough wealth to meet their demands.
The situation only grew worse as University Administration went directly to President Stanley for guidance, only to find his office was filled with crates of USG T-shirts and illegally downloaded copies of Nicolas Cage films.
Now under the alias of 'Captain Crackbeard', people were shocked to discover it was the former-president, now Pirate-King, was the one who was pulling the strings behind the wave of piracy.
Before leaving on his cardboard and duct-tape flagship, Captain Crackbeard was asked why he resorted to piracy. His only response was to a hostage saying, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Seawolf now."