Yesterday afternoon, Stony Brook University internet and communication networks were crippled by a distributed denial-of-service (DDoS) attack, shutting down or hampering network access throughout the main campus. Students were panicking as they were unable to procrastinate by going on facebook or stalk their cute history classmate's instagram photos throughout the day. In an act of desperation some students dared to bring up the unheard of idea to actually study during the internet outage. All we can say is that the attacks were probably brought on by the rogue internet vigilante hacker group known as Anonymous aka "4chan" or some sophisticated systems administrator.
Stony Brook Environmental Health and Safety would like to inform students remaining on campus for spring break that the green water coming out of the drinking fountains is NOT in celebration of St. Patrick's Day, and that the issues are being dealt with and should be resolved as soon as possible.
The highly anticipated erotic thriller "50 Shades of Grey" was met with a lukewarm response from college movie-goers. Some fraternity members even expressed outrage, demanding a refund from theaters claiming that there was much better stuff online for free, let alone $12.
Do not try and shovel the snow. That is impossible. Instead, try to realize the truth: there is no snow.
Potheads Rejoice! As USG announces this year's Roth Regatta theme is the fantasy and magic of Harry Potter.
And for those of you new and/or unfamiliar with the magical franchise, Snape kills Dumbledore.
To celebrate the work of evolutionary pioneer Charles Darwin, Stony Brook is proud to offer a free "Darwinian Meal" to all environmentally fit students. When asked what a "Darwinian Meal" was, President Stanley quickly grabbed the the weakest and most juicy reporter yelling "Surivial of the fittest!" as he then proceeded to eat the genetically inferior reporter. David Attenborough narrated the events.
Campus emergency services has announced that all classes for Monday and Tuesday have been canceled due to the expected snowfall. University Administration and Campus Dining Services would like to remind students to stop stealing salt shakers as the school's limited budget makes it the only source of salt for the roads.
We look back in history on this day in memory of a man who fought for civil rights for all Americans and people of the world.
When asked for a few words of comment on this day, University officials quickly scrambled to get out their smartphones and show us on facebook that they are not racist and many of their friends are black.
A student whose grades are totally fine asked his Organic Chemistry Professor if the final grades will be curved because he's concerned about the other students in the class, not that it would matter to him personally, but he totally wouldn't mind if a 35% on the test could be a "C".
In what can only be seen as a finals week blunder, Stony Brook University failed to start this morning due to unknown technical issues. After calling tech support and repeatedly pressing Ctrl + Alt + Del, President Stanley asks that all students return to their dorms and go to sleep and wake up again hoping to restart the school and fix the problem.
We are pleased to announce with millions of turkeys slaughtered this year, we will finally have enough animal blood to complete this year's Black Friday ritual to appease the big retail CEOs and guarantee low prices for all our heathen, gentile subscribers this holiday season. Happy shopping!
Just a friendly reminder for all you citizens to GET THE FUCK OUT AND VOTE TOMORROW.
While Lord Xenu would prefer to become your galactic overlord through democratic means, he is not beyond the use of devine force and terror.
All hail his shiny carapace.
Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?
Its sure you make you say "What the fuck?"
Its our school of Stony Brook!
With the extremely limited space for this month's ICONA POP concert,USG at Stony Brook University turns into Willy Fucking Wonka and will hand out half the tickets* at this Saturday's football game, with the other half being obtainable only by some unknown internet shenanigans on the USG website, which totally does not host amish-themed porn.
EDIT: due to poor communication by both parties, it seemed highly suggestive that tickets would be free and handed out. It is now clear that this is no longer the case and that tickets can only be reserved and cost $5.00.
Following the recent arrest of the knife-wielding gunman who terrorized the SBS Building, University administration held a conference announcing that the Social and Behavioral Sciences building will be re-named "Roosevelt II"
Show your school spirit and cheer* for the Seawolves this Saturday at the homecoming game!
*Those who fail to show the appropriate amount of school spirit will be arrested by the University Fun Police and be personally paddled by Wolfie until they can feel the magic of Stony Brook.
School spirit is MANDATORY
We at the Stony Brook Enquirer are here to ask you a question: Is a student not entitled to a fairly priced piece of fruit?
"No!" says the man in at the dining hall, "That banana costs $1.03."
"No!" says the man in the FSA office, "The meal plans save money."
"No!" says President Stanley, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!."
I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... to buy groceries at Pathmark. A store where the student would not fear the pasta; where the wallet would not be bound by impending emptiness; where the stomach would not be constrained by the budget! And with the free weekend bus, Pathmark can become your store as well.
Becoming sick and tired of students on campus singing songs from Disney's "Frozen", President Stanley creates ongoing heat wave and cancels fall and winter semesters, replacing them with Summer Sessions III and IV.
In response to critics of such action, President Stanley stated "Opponents of this administrative action should just let it go."
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"