Category: Politics - The stony brook enquirer!

In Honor of Martin Luther King Jr.

1/19/2015

We look back in history on this day in memory of a man who fought for civil rights for all Americans and people of the world.
When asked for a few words of comment on this day, University officials quickly scrambled to get out their smartphones and show us on facebook that they are not racist and many of their friends are black.

VOTE OR DIE

11/3/2014

Just a friendly reminder for all you citizens to GET THE FUCK OUT AND VOTE TOMORROW.

While Lord Xenu would prefer to become your galactic overlord through democratic means, he is not beyond the use of devine force and terror.
All hail his shiny carapace.

Democracy Wins Again!

4/14/2014

Election results for USG are in and most candidates ran unopposed, winning 100% of the ballot. Though students and other campus news outlets questioned the legitimacy of the democratic process, The Stony Brook Enquirer concluded that the candidates were humbled by the results, as it must have been a spiritual experience as the VP of Communications stated, "To question USG is to question god."
We here at the Enquirer happily accept our new loving overlords.

Low Prices of the People, by the People, for the People!

2/17/2014

On this President's Day, we take the time to admire Presidents of this country and university past and present and the values they stood for. Let us not forget how President Stanley and George Washington both fought valiantly for reasonably priced mattresses and car sales with minimum down-payment so that we may defeat the communist enemies of America.

THE HATE CRIME BEFORE CHRISTMAS

12/19/2013

'Twas the week before Christmas, and all throughout campus,
a creature was stirring: the demon named Krampus.

Oh and his friend Black Pete, but beware of his race,
for he's actually white, but disguised in blackface!

Remember, Remember to Vote This November!

11/5/2013

Its election day and countless teens with with issues are celebrating across the country by sitting at their basement computer while wearing a Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta.
In other news the number of filthy casuals are on the rise.

Patriot or Traitor, Clarice?

8/23/2013

In an interview with Bradley (now Chelsea) Manning, we asked about his/her gender, and he only responded "It rubs the lotion on its skin."

NSAyyy Lmao

7/1/2013

As undercover Enquirer reporter Edwin Snowman leaks documents showing that USG has been spying on Stony Brook students! However, the USG spy program has proved to be a waste of money as the warrantless phone and email searches has only revealed that students "got totally drunk last night" in most of the messages.

Supremely Fabulous

6/26/2013

Supreme Court of the United States struck down the Defense of Marriage Act today after declaring the law was "Totally gay".

FINANCIAL UPDATE

6/12/2013

In response to proposed budget cuts, USG has met sharp criticism with opponents citing that its "Mo' money, mo' problems" approach is a blatant reversal of its previous "fuck bitches, get money" platform from 2012.
When asked to comment on the issue, Wolfie simply responded "Don't hate the playa, hate the game."

BREAKING NEWS: Straight Outa Washington

12/31/2012

Fiscal cliff deal reached. House Speaker John Boehner to give up tanning bed if Vice Pres. Biden stops watching Spongebob.