The new semester kicks off in Stony Brook with a bang as campus services offer free food and drink in a show of festivity. But we here at the Stony Brook Enquirer know this is nothing but a pathetic ploy by campus administration to distract new students from the serious issue of-OHMYGOSH THEY HAVE FREE CUPCAKES.
Despite ongoing rumors, President Stanley denied that Stony Brook had a "chamber of secrets" in the girls' bathroom of the Frank Melville Jr. Memorial Library. President Stanley then proceeded to end the interview abruptly claiming he had Indian food for lunch and was in need of a good book.
Then the Lord asked him, "What is your name?"