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The stony brook enquirer!
kneel before zod

"Rosa Parks" of Smoking Fights Back! #BlackLungsMatter

2/12/2016

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Recently, a brave group of students dared to challenge the changing environment on campus that has grown increasingly hostile to students who smoke.
As of January 2016, University Administration took a page right out of the book of infamous anti-smoker, Adolf Hitler, and instituted a fascist campus-wide ban on America's beloved pastime. The decrees of the Non-Fuming Fuhrer did not target just cigarettes, but all tobacco products, electronic cigarettes, huffable spray paint, crystal meth, cocaine, crack cocaine, uncracked cocaine, diet cocaine, ecstasy, molly, marijuana, mary jane, weed, pot, chief keef, PCP, angel dust, purple drank, and slim jims.

The courageous leader of the "Solidarity Smokers" released a manifesto detailing their plan: 

"Whether or not you are a smoker, you probably agree that President Stanley has gone too far in imposing a campus-wide ban, not only on cigarettes, but ALL tobacco products, even electronic cigarettes (effective January 2016). While I understand the reasons behind this new "smoke-free policy," I can't respect a President who feels the need to impose a lifestyle on everyone, especially those students living on campus who are habitual smokers and have literally nowhere on campus to enjoy their tobacco products of choice in peace. I respect the decision to not smoke, but not when it's a decision made for me. Frankly, it's un-American."

(see the full statement here: http://heyevent.com/event/qfzrnypywoeqoa/safe-space-formerly-solidarity-smoke-in)

The tyrannical rule of President Stanley and his thugs in USG will be resisted at all costs by these brave rebels, and we will continue to be the voice of reason at this institution. #Trump2016
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Roth Regatta Boats Seized By Somali Pirates

5/1/2015

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A few hours before the start of the 2015 Roth Pond Regatta, several boats were attacked and hijacked by what could only be Somali Pirates. Arriving in unmarked ships made from the finest cardboard from the UPS Store, it became clear the pirates were backed by someone with very good connections. Taking up to 5 students hostage, the pirates demanded chicken strips from the Student Union equal to the weight of those held captive.
University Officials panicked as with campus food prices, not even Bill Gates had enough wealth to meet their demands.
The situation only grew worse as University Administration went directly to President Stanley for guidance, only to find his office was filled with crates of USG T-shirts and illegally downloaded copies of Nicolas Cage films.
Now under the alias of 'Captain Crackbeard', people were shocked to discover it was the former-president, now Pirate-King, was the one who was pulling the strings behind the wave of piracy.
Before leaving on his cardboard and duct-tape flagship, Captain Crackbeard was asked why he resorted to piracy. His only response was to a hostage saying, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the Seawolf now." 
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Student Makes Reference to Marijuana

4/20/2015

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In an act of creative originality, a student suggested that Stony Brook University offer a major in "Weed Studies" and "Dank Memes".No one could have possibly predicted this stroke of genius to occur on April 20th of all days in the year.
Seeing the merit of such education, President Samuel L. Stanley was quick to approve such program stating, "My middle name is 'L' for a good fucking reason."

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In Memory and Celebration of Charles Darwin

2/12/2015

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To celebrate the work of evolutionary pioneer Charles Darwin, Stony Brook is proud to offer a free "Darwinian Meal" to all environmentally fit students. When asked what a "Darwinian Meal" was, President Stanley quickly grabbed the the weakest and most juicy reporter yelling "Surivial of the fittest!" as he then proceeded to eat the genetically inferior reporter. David Attenborough narrated the events.
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Stony Brook Experiencing Technical Difficulties

12/8/2014

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In what can only be seen as a finals week blunder, Stony Brook University failed to start this morning due to unknown technical issues. After calling tech support and repeatedly pressing Ctrl + Alt + Del, President Stanley asks that all students return to their dorms and go to sleep and wake up again hoping to restart the school and fix the problem.
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A Man Chooses, A Slave Obeys

9/8/2014

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We at the Stony Brook Enquirer are here to ask you a question: Is a student not entitled to a fairly priced piece of fruit? 
"No!" says the man in at the dining hall, "That banana costs $1.03."
"No!" says the man in the FSA office, "The meal plans save money."
"No!" says President Stanley, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!." 
I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... to buy groceries at Pathmark. A store where the student would not fear the pasta; where the wallet would not be bound by impending emptiness; where the stomach would not be constrained by the budget! And with the free weekend bus, Pathmark can become your store as well.
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The Heat Never Bothered Me Anyway

9/2/2014

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Becoming sick and tired of students on campus singing songs from Disney's "Frozen", President Stanley creates ongoing heat wave and cancels fall and winter semesters, replacing them with Summer Sessions III and IV.
In response to critics of such action, President Stanley stated "Opponents of this administrative action should just let it go."
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Stony Brook Puts Students First

7/7/2014

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With a significant percentage of Asian students on campus, university administration was quick to address issues surrounding the difficulty of travel back home during the breaks between semesters. To ease the burden of commuting and travel, President Stanley graciously allocated some of the inexhaustible supply of construction crewmen to dig a tunnel straight to China, in a heroic effort that was described as "totally not a waste of money."
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Can He Fix It?

6/25/2014

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In an attempt to quell rumors that Stony Brook has become an eternal construction site, President Stanley held a press conference, stating that "Such gossip is preposterous." 
Sources from university administration who wish to remain anonymous claim to have seen President Stanley locking himself in his office for days at a time only to hear the "Bob the Builder" theme song emanating through the door.
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Stony Brook Under Martial Law

5/9/2014

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In response to growing rumors of dissent among the student body, President Stanley was quick to enact martial law and deploy soldiers and armored vehicles to the SAC in what he described as a plan to "Crush the rebel scum that lurks in USG." 
Students voiced their concern as President Stanley may have gone too far when he authorized the use of informational pamphlets and what appears to be a miniature bouncy castle outside the building.
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OIL DISCOVERED UNDER UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL

4/11/2014

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After months of randomly digging across campus, survey teams have finally found the sweet and friendly nectar of the earth: oil. Stony Brook has partnered with America's favorite company, BP to aid in the fun and environmentally friendly practice of drilling for fossil fuel to put our University on the map of the 21st century. When informed that the campus may be sitting on the mother lode, President Stanley immediately approved permits to begin frackng in Tabler Quad, while stating, " I drink your milkshake, I drink it up." Referencing his well known love for dairy products.

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A CONSPIRACY UNCOVERED!

3/7/2014

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As the snow on campus begins to melt, a vast amount of sand and salt is revealed to cover the university, bringing to light what we have all feared: Fat cat President Stanley is using global warming and is shipping in sand to flood Stony Brook to create ocean beach front property to sell to real estate brokers at record profits.
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BLOOD DRIVE TODAY AT THE SAC

2/18/2014

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After looking at the stars, head Shaman/President Stanley determined that the gods are punishing us with unending winter. To appease the spirits, Chief Stanley told reporters that "Students must bleed. All praise Lord Xenu."
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Low Prices of the People, by the People, for the People!

2/17/2014

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On this President's Day, we take the time to admire Presidents of this country and university past and present and the values they stood for. Let us not forget how President Stanley and George Washington both fought valiantly for reasonably priced mattresses and car sales with minimum down-payment so that we may defeat the communist enemies of America.
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Stanley of the House of Seawolves, First of His Name, President of the University and the Students, Lord of the Six Undergraduate Colleges and Protector of the Campus

1/8/2014

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As winter has finally come to Stony Brook, President Stanley commissions the construction of a massive fortification of ice around Roosevelt quad to protect the campus from the monsters and wildlings beyond the wall. Applications are currently being accepted for the new position of Lord Commander of The Wall.
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Savvy? 

10/28/2013

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As the number of holes and "construction sites" increase on campus, President Stanley denies he is pouring resources into searching for Crackbeard's secret pirate booty. 
in other news! the school of marine and atmospheric sciences is looking for a crew of able-bodied students and "fine wenches" to man their newly acquired ship: The Salty Seawolf.
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Like White On (Not) Rice

8/17/2013

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Emperor Stanley has banned rice cookers on campus. Protecting the public safety or fighting he yellow menace?
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U WOT M8?

7/22/2013

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With the birth of the royal baby imminent, President Stanley was quick to show his support. Upon hearing the news, he quickly put down his tea, crumpets, and Strumpets, to raise the Union Jack above Stony Brook. While some say he simply had his pigeons squeezed, others asserted that he was always as queer as a nine bob note.
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SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE

7/6/2013

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Despite ongoing rumors, President Stanley denied that Stony Brook had a "chamber of secrets" in the girls' bathroom of the Frank Melville Jr. Memorial Library. President Stanley then proceeded to end the interview abruptly claiming he had Indian food for lunch and was in need of a good book.
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Good Luck to Those Graduating!

5/23/2013

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With shortage of diplomas, President Stanley creates first Stony Brook Hunger Games to replace graduation ceremony. May the odds be ever in your favor!
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