Category: Holidays - The stony brook enquirer!

Students Celebrate Cinco De Mayo by Drinking Tequila Instead of Vodka

5/5/2015

Celebrating cultural diversity in Stony Brook, students across campus suddenly realized their Mexican heritage just in time for Cinco De Mayo. In an act of humility and reverence for Mexican culture, students across campus gave up drinking the usual vodka and bud light for the day, and humbly chose to consume Tequila and Corona in honor of the Latin American holiday.
Interviewing Mexican students on campus such as Jin-Woo Lee and David Goldbergstein, both claimed to be very proud of their Mexican heritage as they continued to down shots of traditional Mexican spirits.

Happy Earth Day!

4/22/2015

In celebration of our planet and environment, Stony Brook Environmental Health and Safety is proud to announce that the amount of radiation leaking from the university power plant is at its lowest levels in 5 years.

Student Makes Reference to Marijuana

4/20/2015

In an act of creative originality, a student suggested that Stony Brook University offer a major in "Weed Studies" and "Dank Memes".No one could have possibly predicted this stroke of genius to occur on April 20th of all days in the year.
Seeing the merit of such education, President Samuel L. Stanley was quick to approve such program stating, "My middle name is 'L' for a good fucking reason."

In Memory and Celebration of Charles Darwin

2/12/2015

To celebrate the work of evolutionary pioneer Charles Darwin, Stony Brook is proud to offer a free "Darwinian Meal" to all environmentally fit students. When asked what a "Darwinian Meal" was, President Stanley quickly grabbed the the weakest and most juicy reporter yelling "Surivial of the fittest!" as he then proceeded to eat the genetically inferior reporter. David Attenborough narrated the events.

In Honor of Martin Luther King Jr.

1/19/2015

We look back in history on this day in memory of a man who fought for civil rights for all Americans and people of the world.
When asked for a few words of comment on this day, University officials quickly scrambled to get out their smartphones and show us on facebook that they are not racist and many of their friends are black.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Stony Brook Enquirer!

11/27/2014

We are pleased to announce with millions of turkeys slaughtered this year, we will finally have enough animal blood to complete this year's Black Friday ritual to appease the big retail CEOs and guarantee low prices for all our heathen, gentile subscribers this holiday season. Happy shopping!

Happy Halloween from The Stony Brook Enquirer!

10/31/2014

Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?
Its sure you make you say "What the fuck?"
Its our school of Stony Brook!

Happy Columbus Day From The Stony Brook Enquirer

10/13/2014

Low Prices of the People, by the People, for the People!

2/17/2014

On this President's Day, we take the time to admire Presidents of this country and university past and present and the values they stood for. Let us not forget how President Stanley and George Washington both fought valiantly for reasonably priced mattresses and car sales with minimum down-payment so that we may defeat the communist enemies of America.

They're Just Not Around...

2/7/2014

Its Black History Month and amid allegations of racism, USG officials prove their tolerance by showing that many of their best friends are black.

THE HATE CRIME BEFORE CHRISTMAS

12/19/2013

'Twas the week before Christmas, and all throughout campus,
a creature was stirring: the demon named Krampus.

Oh and his friend Black Pete, but beware of his race,
for he's actually white, but disguised in blackface!

Remember, Remember to Vote This November!

11/5/2013

Its election day and countless teens with with issues are celebrating across the country by sitting at their basement computer while wearing a Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta.
In other news the number of filthy casuals are on the rise.

Happy Columbus Day!

10/13/2013

Unlike the university administrators who hate the beloved tradition of Columbus Day, The Stony Brook Enquirer plans to celebrate a traditional Columbus Day by enslaving natives, stealing gold, and handing out blankets filled with smallpox.

Hate Crime - IN SPACE!

4/22/2013

Earth Day canceled by Pres. Stanley claiming discrimination against other planets.Pluto files lawsuit claiming victim to a NASA hate-crime.

BREAKING NEWS: Ho Ho-Holy Shit!

12/6/2012

panic fills the streets as pope cancels Christmas. Grinch smiles evilly as heart shrinks 3 sizes.

HALLOWEEN WEATHER UPDATE

10/31/2012

Stony Brook cancels classes again, adopting new "screw this!" plan. Students still recovering from tragic internet outage.