Roosevelt RAs are fed up with their quad being labeled a "ghetto" so they released a report showing the number of crack addicts are at an all time low. When asked about the increase in cocaine use, a spokesman stated it was good news as "Cocaine is a drug for rich white people."
Despite ongoing rumors on the upcoming USG comedy show, we are still totally clueless on who the performer is. Our panel of experts have an 85% certainty that it will be Glenn Beck.
Disappointment abounded at the campus train station today as hundreds of commuting students realized the train brought them to Stony Brook instead of Hogwarts.
Concerned students have lined up at the Quad office demanding to see their dorm records only to be told that the office doesn't retain records for over 2 months only citing that, "Satan demands tribute".
With shortage of diplomas, President Stanley creates first Stony Brook Hunger Games to replace graduation ceremony. May the odds be ever in your favor!
As smoking ban nears, USG stockpiles cigarettes cartons by the thousands. Funding allocated for tobacco speakeasies across campus.Gentlemen!
Violence erupts as students see typo on posted flyer. Infuriated mob takes action to remind campus that poor grammar is not tolerated at SBU
New campus rec center too good. Makes SAC gym feel inadequate as it shuts down in shame.
Unexplained disease hits people after weekend of massive drinking. Hangover-like symptoms and not going to class rampant among members of college fraternities and sororities. CDC remains baffled.
In other news, beer companies report record profits. |
AuthorThen the Lord asked him, "What is your name?" Categories
All
Archives
March 2017
|