With the recent surge in armed robberies on campus, USG allocates funds to create a squad of armed vigilantes to beat the crap out of minoriti-whoopsimean criminals.
In response to USG's announcement to make an announcement, we are announcing that we're prepared to announce that we will announce something
With forecasts stating a prolonged period of temperatures in the 90s, students are demanding that USG stop offering music majors as sacrifices to the Sun God, claiming they have more than enough sunshine.
When asked for a comment the VP of communications only stated "KALI MA SHAKTI DE!" (seen here) As undercover Enquirer reporter Edwin Snowman leaks documents showing that USG has been spying on Stony Brook students! However, the USG spy program has proved to be a waste of money as the warrantless phone and email searches has only revealed that students "got totally drunk last night" in most of the messages.
In what officials are calling a simple mistake in spelling, more concerned voices are implying that there may be a fraudulent imposter running a secret agenda in USG as seen in the scientific comparison of the two apparent Vice Presidents of Communications. Students panic as they quickly lose trust in their "elected" leaders.
In response to proposed budget cuts, USG has met sharp criticism with opponents citing that its "Mo' money, mo' problems" approach is a blatant reversal of its previous "fuck bitches, get money" platform from 2012.
When asked to comment on the issue, Wolfie simply responded "Don't hate the playa, hate the game." USG holds free BBQ to mask true, sinister intentions. Monopolizing control of meat, student executives manipulate clueless students in the guise of charity. SCANDAL in USG as Vice President of Communications uses funding to run shady tabloid with blackjack and hookers.
Campus police to start using body scanners in library after USG Vice President-elect was found to possess over 2 ounces of skittles on him.
As smoking ban nears, USG stockpiles cigarettes cartons by the thousands. Funding allocated for tobacco speakeasies across campus.Gentlemen!
USG allocates funds for pork barrel spending on actual barrels of pork. Jewish and muslim students outraged.
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