As campus is blanketed by a layer of pure immaculate white snow, the internet becomes flooded with amateur photographs of snow-covered objects. Countless people have been reported to have their facebook pages buried alive in a massive heap of shitty photos. We can only pray that they dig themselves out to reconnect with the real internet.
As the new semester starts, the number of students who vowed to "totally study and not slack off" this semester is at an all time high.
As winter has finally come to Stony Brook, President Stanley commissions the construction of a massive fortification of ice around Roosevelt quad to protect the campus from the monsters and wildlings beyond the wall. Applications are currently being accepted for the new position of Lord Commander of The Wall.
'Twas the week before Christmas, and all throughout campus,
a creature was stirring: the demon named Krampus. Oh and his friend Black Pete, but beware of his race, for he's actually white, but disguised in blackface! Sun disappears from the sky and panic spreads throughout campus. Astronomy professors plead for their lives, claiming the sun will rise again in about 15 hours as an angry mob of students prepare to sacrifice them to the gods. USG consults local witch doctors for answers.
UPDATE: The Stony Brook Enquirer is proud to report the return of the beloved sun, and would like to take the time to remember the astronomy professors who selflessly gave their lives to bring it back. The Stony Brook Enquirer brings our valued readers the inside scoop on upcoming events!
Using our sophisticated image analysis techniques, our team of experts have cracked the code on USG at Stony Brook University's announcement. We can say with complete confidence that upcoming lecturers will be Jim Carrey and Susan Boyle! Terror grips Stony Brook as a truck behind the SAC was found to contain the blood and bodily fluids of countless students. The sickening level of organization in the vehicle has brought our panel of experts to conclude that this could only be the work of a deranged serial killer with a vampire fetish.
Due to poor USG oversight, hundreds of students missed the Taking Back Sunday concert this friday, thinking it was on Sunday as the band's name suggested. Due to the darkness of the concert hall, the band was unaware that they were playing in a virtually empty theater.
Its election day and countless teens with with issues are celebrating across the country by sitting at their basement computer while wearing a Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta.
In other news the number of filthy casuals are on the rise. Its Halloween and Satanists on campus are outraged that they do not get an office or recognition like the Christian, Muslim, and Buddhist students. Protesters drew pentagrams and blasted Marilyn Manson while chanting in aramaic at the administrative staff and President Stanley, who was surprisingly unaffected by the ritual.
In other news, President Stanley has banned crucifixes, holy water and sunlight from his office. As the number of holes and "construction sites" increase on campus, President Stanley denies he is pouring resources into searching for Crackbeard's secret pirate booty.
in other news! the school of marine and atmospheric sciences is looking for a crew of able-bodied students and "fine wenches" to man their newly acquired ship: The Salty Seawolf. Roosevelt RAs are fed up with their quad being labeled a "ghetto" so they released a report showing the number of crack addicts are at an all time low. When asked about the increase in cocaine use, a spokesman stated it was good news as "Cocaine is a drug for rich white people."
Autumn is here and millions of americans are reporting the leaves changing color and falling. The EPA made a statement telling citizens not to be alarmed as "Everything is going according to plan for it is a good sign we are winning the war on nature."
The Wang Center is proud to announce it has picked Alison Gold's "Chinese Food" as its official theme song for the Jasmine food court. A terrible tragedy occurred at the LIRR this evening as delays caused countless girls to be late to the Selena Gomez concert. The preteen victims have officially declared the train staff to be "literally worse than Hitler" after the abhorrent delay.
In other news, a pedestrian was hit by a train at Syosset station earlier today. Unlike the university administrators who hate the beloved tradition of Columbus Day, The Stony Brook Enquirer plans to celebrate a traditional Columbus Day by enslaving natives, stealing gold, and handing out blankets filled with smallpox.
It was a scene of gang violence at the homecoming game, as thousands of Bloods outnumbered the few Crips at the Kenneth P. LaValle stadium.
Tensions rise between USG and The Stony Brook Press as the newspaper's budget is frozen. Senators have been reported to have been waking up next to severed horse heads, confirming our suspicions that bestiality and necrophilia runs rampant throughout USG
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