The new semester kicks off in Stony Brook with a bang as campus services offer free food and drink in a show of festivity. But we here at the Stony Brook Enquirer know this is nothing but a pathetic ploy by campus administration to distract new students from the serious issue of-OHMYGOSH THEY HAVE FREE CUPCAKES.
In an attempt to quell rumors that Stony Brook has become an eternal construction site, President Stanley held a press conference, stating that "Such gossip is preposterous."
Sources from university administration who wish to remain anonymous claim to have seen President Stanley locking himself in his office for days at a time only to hear the "Bob the Builder" theme song emanating through the door. Earlier this week a chemical explosion in the ESS laboratories was quickly contained and resulted in an unknown number of casualties.
IN OTHER NEWS: USG has been given a sudden gift of a large amount of fresh undisclosed meat, and will be handing it out for FREE at the Roosevelt Pit this Wednesday as a student BBQ! As the semester draws to a close, the amount of meal points in students' accounts dwindle or are already depleted. Desperate students turn to the monstrous geese on campus in a dangerous attempt for a meal. University officials quickly attempted to cover up the food shortage by claiming the introduction of a "humane goose control program".
In response to growing rumors of dissent among the student body, President Stanley was quick to enact martial law and deploy soldiers and armored vehicles to the SAC in what he described as a plan to "Crush the rebel scum that lurks in USG."
Students voiced their concern as President Stanley may have gone too far when he authorized the use of informational pamphlets and what appears to be a miniature bouncy castle outside the building. In the aftermath of the 2014 Roth Regatta, The Stony Brook Enquirer is sad to report that the USG boat sank and with all hands lost. We will be reminded of this tragic loss next semester as we see USG positions filled with new members to replace those who went down with the ship.
The Stony Brook Enquirer would like to tell the public that while you lowly peasants are stuck in the cheap seats for tonight's concert, the totally legitimate reporters will be enjoying the concert in the VIP section with hookers and blackjack, courtesy of USG.
Its the day of the concert and students still don't know who the performers are.
USG plans to hand out free fedoras to all who attend. It was a scene of religious pilgrimage today as hundreds of students made a nightlong journey in the cold darkness all the way to the shrine known as the Union Ticket booth. The cold masses chanted the names of their gods: Chyld-ish and Dippe-Loh, who anthropology professors have concluded must be the ancient gods of youth and duality respectively. All this was done for a chance to receive a small sheet of paper with ancient runes on it, in hopes that the magic charm would grant them entry into paradise one day.
Election results for USG are in and most candidates ran unopposed, winning 100% of the ballot. Though students and other campus news outlets questioned the legitimacy of the democratic process, The Stony Brook Enquirer concluded that the candidates were humbled by the results, as it must have been a spiritual experience as the VP of Communications stated, "To question USG is to question god."
We here at the Enquirer happily accept our new loving overlords. After months of randomly digging across campus, survey teams have finally found the sweet and friendly nectar of the earth: oil. Stony Brook has partnered with America's favorite company, BP to aid in the fun and environmentally friendly practice of drilling for fossil fuel to put our University on the map of the 21st century. When informed that the campus may be sitting on the mother lode, President Stanley immediately approved permits to begin frackng in Tabler Quad, while stating, " I drink your milkshake, I drink it up." Referencing his well known love for dairy products. Today's weather forecast calls for clear, sunny skies with a high of about 70 degrees in the afternoon. Rainbows and unicorns will appear around 2:30 PM while Tupac releases his new album, all while Kate Upton agrees to go out with me.
In only what can be described as a scene from Cast Away, students trying to get to the second floor of the SAC had to wait "literally forever" for the elevator to arrive. Witnesses to the stranded victims give estimates ranging from 45 seconds to an unheard of 2 minutes until the doors finally opened to the group of waiting refugees. At least one student had psychologically broken down and attempted to use the stairs, while others were only to be restrained by friends clinging on to the hope that the elevator will be there at any moment. The building manager was unavailable for comment on the matter.
As the snow on campus begins to melt, a vast amount of sand and salt is revealed to cover the university, bringing to light what we have all feared: Fat cat President Stanley is using global warming and is shipping in sand to flood Stony Brook to create ocean beach front property to sell to real estate brokers at record profits.
After looking at the stars, head Shaman/President Stanley determined that the gods are punishing us with unending winter. To appease the spirits, Chief Stanley told reporters that "Students must bleed. All praise Lord Xenu."
On this President's Day, we take the time to admire Presidents of this country and university past and present and the values they stood for. Let us not forget how President Stanley and George Washington both fought valiantly for reasonably priced mattresses and car sales with minimum down-payment so that we may defeat the communist enemies of America.
Its Black History Month and amid allegations of racism, USG officials prove their tolerance by showing that many of their best friends are black.
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